Does anyone actually read this? I'd be very suprised if they do. Not really much point continuing.

Butlins day 2

I've been very well behaved today. I had branflakes, yogurt and fruit for breakfast, Half a chicken baguette for lunch (I shared it with chloe). A pair for a snack. For tea I got the turkey, potato gratin and green beans. Potato gratin isn't eactly healthy but it's not that bad and is the only thing that wasn't. It wasn't as nice as the potato gratin I make though.

It turned out the turkey was wrapped round a sausage so I gave the sausage to Chloe. I was still hungry but again didn't have any pudding. I went and got some salad instead. I was a bit bad putting crutons and mayo on it but looking at the day overall I think it has been pretty good. I've also had another pair this evening (the fruit was stolen at breakfast time)

I got the step out but the problem is I'm in an upstairs chellet and when I started the noise it made there is no way I could carry on so that was a complete waste of time bringing it.

I'm quite pleased with myself today, especially considering Butlins makes me flippin miserable and so I want to eat.

Day 1 at Butlins

Got up at 4am to drive to Butlins in Bognor Regis. The journey took much longer than expected. First there was roadworks on the M1 then there was an accident on the M1 which resulted in traffic at a standstill. Then onto the M25... more roadworks then an accident then yet more roadworks.

I thought we were never going to actually get to Bognor Regis but we did mid afternoon. Diet was on good on route. Pan chocolate before leaving. crunchy nut cornflakes when we stopped for breakfast. Chocolate biscuit and packet of crisps whist driving. Red bull (that was necessary) and when we stopped for lunch I had scampi and chips (it was horrible).

When we got here I had an unplanned workout to make up for it. I wish I had been wearing my hr monitor. When I thought 'we are staying in this country, there is no luggage allowance' and packed 2 huge suitcases, really huge, you can't buy bigger, 1 largest you can buy holdall and my aerobic step, no one mentioned that I would have to take them all up a flight of stairs. I also didn't consider that every other time I've had Stephen to help but not this time.

It's quite some distance from the car part to the challet. I couldn't find a trolley so just took one of the cases to start with. Then discovered I had to take it up a flight of stairs. That was difficult enough. Then I found a trolley and went back and got the rest of the stuff. Getting them all up the stairs on my own really was very hard. I wish I knew how much that second suitcase weighed as I know I can now lift quite heavy weights. I supprise myself by doing thing like carrying a full size tv set from one room to another. I probably couldn't do it more than once and complain a lot but I know if need be I can lift and carry very heavy things.

That suitcase. I had all on to lift it and couldn't move it more than a couple of steps at a time. By the time I had everything inside I was knackered and swetting like a pig. It was disgusting. it was seriously as bad as when I work really hard at the gym.

Still, in a way that sort of made me feel good. I knew that a few years ago I wouldn't have been able to do that. I don't know what I would have done if I had found myself in that situation, I probably would have tried and then sat and cried until someone came along and did it for me.

As we were walking round I was quite suprised at the number of really obese people here. It seems butlins attracts them. After getting all the luggage in I got changed and looked in the mirror and thought 'my god I look pregnant' Then I realised that I am one of those people. That was a depressing thought.

With that thought in my head we went to dinner. lots of nice looking food. Roast chicken in some yummy looking sauce, toad in the hole, maccaroni cheese and several other things. I had ham salad. There were loads of different cakes and cheese cakes and profitterolles and things like that for desert but nothing healthy, not so much as a yogurt or piece of fruit so I had none.

I was sat sulking and whining about how nice the cheesecake looks but I can't eat it when Chloe said 'you can have some cheesecake if you win the big race' (she calls the London Marathon the big race) That made me laugh a lot and temorarily cheered me up.

We went to the shop and there wasn't that much I could eat from there either but I was reluctant to buy anything anyway. I've already paid for out meals, I can't not eat the food I've paid for then go buy other food from the shop instead.

tomorrow might be better.

I'm also feeling guilty about paying £35 for internet access. It didn't take long to realise I'm not going to be able to go to Mcdonalds for the free internet. It would take quite a chunk out of each day and mean Chloe would miss loads of stuff and it seems silly when I'm just sat here on my own once she's in bed. So I thought what the hell and paid the £35.

Feet are aching like mad. Not sure what that's about, feels like I've been on my feet all day rather than behind the wheel of a car.

Biggest Loser

I have a new plan.

Chloe is due to leave at the beginning of August. I have 45 days leave (I carried 17 days over from last year) and the Great North Run is on 20th September. All being well, depending on the exact day Chloe leaves I'm hoping to take all my leave in one go taking me to just after the Great North Run and embark on a biggest loser style month and a half.

I intend to take it very seriously, I will be banning TV, limiting Internet time (just enough to check for messages and update my blog) and will be cutting myself off totally from the outside world. No trips anywhere, no nights out, no visiting people, nothing. Just diet and exercise just like in the biggest loser. Every detail will be planned, everything I eat and drink, all the exercise.

I plan to combine working out at the gym, running, walking, swimming and exercise classes.

Should be interesting to see the outcome but anyway, in the meantime I'm still training hard. I'm finding I'm liking the weights more and more, or rather I like the way it makes my muscles feel later. I like that slight ache and I like it when I can feel my muscles. I like the feeling of being stronger.

Diet sometimes goes well and sometimes it doesn't. Tonight I was very tempted to have macaroni with extra cheese (use up all that left from the dinner party) on a jacket potato. But I gave into my conscience and had chicken and vegetable stir fry and am glad I did.

going well

I'm not very good at keeping up with this am I?

Things are going well. The pulled calf muscle turned out to be nothing and didn't happen again.

Today I did something I've never done before - Boxing. When I saw the gloves matt had I thought 'oh no I can't do that' I really didn't want to and thought I would just feel silly and wouldn't be able to do it.

I really enjoyed it. It was fun and yes I can do it. Hard work, which is the whole point but enjoyable. You'd better not annoy me I know how to punch you now.

Spanner in the works.

Yes there is already a spanner in the works. That didn't take long did it.

I've pulled my calf muscle. All this training I've been doing and did I pull the muscle whilst running or at the gym? nooo of course not, I pulled it whilst walking down stairs at home. How the hell did I manage that?

To be honest looking at everything I've done the last few days it is probably too much too quick and I expect that is responsible. It wasn't that bad. In the past when it's happened it's woke me up in the middle of the night and I've been stuffing the duvey in my mouth to stifle the screams. This wasn't like that. I felt it go and it hurt but only mildly.

The problem isn't the seriousness of the injury it is the risk of it keep happening and getting worse. Although not for a long time I have had periods of my life when this has been a problem (particularly when I was pregnant). I asked a doctor why once it happens once it keeps happening. He said it is because the muscle tears and so is suseptical to tear further. Each time it happens you are back to square one until you manage to not do it long enough for it to heal. Circulation is also a factor which is why it tends to happen to me at night.

I text Matt for his advice as obviously I can't run as planned today. He said to go to the gym and just go on the bike but don't do too much. That is what I did and was quite suprised that the bike seemed to actually improve it. it had been getting stiffer all day but it seemed to relax with the bike and feels better than it did.

The real test will be tonight. Will I get through the night without waking up in agony?

I'm quite annoyed that it has got in the way of training.

357 days and counting

So I've been pretty rubbish. Although I did the great north run (with a chest infection) and I am very proud of that, I have gradually put weight back on. I got weighed on Wednesday and was 16 stone 10lb.

Over the past year people have kept telling me how hard it is to get a place in the London marathon so I didn't think I would be able to. I thought I wouldn't get a place and would end up not doing it, so I've not really taken it seriously.

Although not taking it seriously and putting weight on it I was still intending to do it so applied to the National Deaf childrens society at the first opportunity. I knew it would be a while before I heard, they would probably wait a while to give people a chance to apply and I expect the people who have already done the London Marathon would get priority so when I got an email from them on Wednesday I assumed it would be a standard 'we've got your application and will be getting back to you'

I was wrong... IT WAS ONLY TELLING ME I HAVE A PLACE IN THE 2010 LONDON MARATHON!!!! I spent several minutes pacing backwards and forwards across the living room swearing. It was only at this point I realised I hadn't been taking it seriously. All the thoughts going through my head was things like 'what the hell was I thinking? I can't run 26 miles' 'I'm an idiot, I've put 2 stone on' 'what the fuck am I going to do, I can't do it'

I don't think anyone who knows me will be suprised to hear there was a few tears. I didn't have long to dwell on it as I had an appointment with Matt at the gym. I had calmed down a bit by the time I got there but was still in quite a panick. It was quite good timing actually as talking to matt calmed me down and he made it seem not quite so impossible by being practical and mathodical (which is how I like things) and just setting out step by step what we need to do.

Anyway it is now deffinite. I am doing the London Marathon. I can't back out now. The countdown is on. There can be no more excuses and no more messing around. Since getting that email on Wednesday I had a session with Matt at the gym then parked 1km away from the school and part walked part jogged there and then back again with Chloe.

On Thursday I let Chloe ride her bike to school and I ran at the side of her (and helped push the bike up the hills) then part walked part ran (mainly walked) back again. 7 mile round trip up and down very big hills.

Friday I did nothing *shock* I was having a virgin vie party so I was too busy obsessivly cleaning.

Saturday I ran the 5km to the gym, did 20 minutes on the bike then walked the 5km back home.

Today I went out for a 5km run. I didn't actually manage to run all of it but there were some very steep hills. At two points I had to stop running and walk. It took me 48 minutes. Last year the race for life took me 35 minutes but it is a much easier route and I know I did it much faster than I had done training runs.

I'm tired but then I suppose I had better get used to that. I'm probably going to be tired for the next 357 days.