Almost at the end.

Thought I had better say that I'm not still in a strop. I haven't posted since because, well frankly I couldn't be bothered. :-)

After my last post a friend send me a lovely message that calmed me down somewhat but also started me thinking about my blog and my weightloss and why I'm doing all this.

I went back and read my very first post which I haven't read or thought about in such a long time. I got very emotional reading it. Remembering everything, what life was like before, what it was like thinking I was going to die and I cried buckets reading the bit about the race for life, remembering just how big a deal that was for me. Really was one of the most major mile stones in my life. What it felt like to achieve that.

By the time I finished reading I had realised that I can't stop, I can't give in and go back to how I was, even if I continue to do terribly I have to carry on for all the same reasons I decided to do it in the first place.

If you've never read that first post here's the link http://yorkshirepud-runfatgirlrun.blogspot.com/2008/07/story-so-far.html

I really can't carry on like I have been doing though. That is no way to live life. I am going to continue to exercise when this is over though not to the same extent. Maybe an hour a day or something. i am going to continue to have a healthy diet and as long as I'm doing that and know I'm living a healthy lifestyle then I'm not going to stress about it.

If I live like that and never lose another pound well then I never lose another pound. I am what I am and wasting my life getting upset and stressing about it won't help.

weigh in

I've put on a pound. I am now 16st 1lb.

On saturday I had fried chicken and chips for lunch at paintballing as there was no choice. I also had 1 malibu and lemonade at the pub after before going onto the diet coke.

Of course the fact that I also burned off 1800 cal paintballing that day is irrelivant isn't it. Also the fact that I'd worked damn hard every day that week and had eaten between 1200 and 1500 cal a day doesn't matter does it.

Even on my rest day I went to the trafford center so spent the day walking up and down. When it turned out the people I was meeting for lunch were going to be really late and I was very hungry so I said I would just get a snack and we would have lunch when we got there I could have easily got a cookie from one of the stalls or a packet of crisps from somewhere or something in a coffee shop but I didn't. i spent ages walking up and down the damn place searching for something healthy and eventually found they sold fruit in the selfridges food hall by which time it was almost time to meet people for lunch anyway.

But none of that matters does it.

I can't keep doing this for nothing. Working so damn hard at a losing battle where it is impossible for me to make a difference. I've told Matt today I'm thinking of giving up and I'm going to give it a month but to be honest I don't feel like giving it a month. At the moment I just want to give up now and accept the inevitable.

doctors

I kept my appointment this morning. He seemed very suprised when he looked at my chart 'All these days?' I said 'yes that's why I was worried it wasn't going to end'

He has prescribed me some tablets that he says will lighten my period. I'm not so sure about that. I don't need them to be lighter I need them to be shorter. They aren't heavy, in fact the way it is now they are at no point as heavy as they used to be when they lasted a normal length of time. Anyway I'll take them and see what happens.

I also have another appointment for him and the nurse for an internal examination which he says I should keep wether I'm on my period or not, which seems pretty gross to me. But the appointment is for next monday so there is a pretty good chance that I still won't be on my period at that point. I hope not.

Doctors appointment!

I don't flipping believe this.

a few month ago I went to the doctor and he told me to make an appointment with him and the nurse for an internal examination. I did that but then my period came on and I had to cancel it. After that it was on off on off which was mainly what I had gone to the doctor about.

Then it was on for over a month. Finally last Monday I thought I can't keep on waiting for it to end to make the appointment, it just isn't ending so phoned to make an appointment to go back and see the doctor. They couldn't fit me in for a week and gave me an appointment for tomorrow.

Today my period stopped! fantastic timing eh?

Now do I cancel my appointment and rebook one for the doc and the nurse as I was originally supposed to be doing or do I keep the appointment tomorow morning just with the doc. If I cancel and rebook it will probably be another week and who knows if I'll be on or off by then and I could go on forever cancelling and booking appointments.

But I also feel silly going back and saying I made an appointment to see you as I couldn't do as you said because of my period but it's stopped now.

Flipping heck. I don't know what to do.

Paintball!

Todays exercise was Paintballing. The most fun and most painful day so far.

Why did people seem so fond of shooting me in the arse? I'd show you the bruises but I'm not pulling my jeans down and taking a photo of my bum. I do have bruises in other places too.

It was really hard work. there was a lot of running croutching and so on but it was much harder than it would usually be because of the body armour. I was joking on facebook about wearing armour but it turned out women have to to protect their boobies. It is really heavy and thick and today was a warm sunny day and it made me so hot. Really, I was sweating buckets. very hard work.

I put my hr monitor on and I worked off 1800 cals throughout the day and the highest my heart rate got was 178.

I don't believe the masks are really for protection. I think they are to preserve peoples anonymity and prevent revenge attacks. I was furious after somone shot my wrist after I was out and was holding my gun up as you are supposed to when you're out and was shouting 'I'm out you've got me' so they wouldn't shoot me again. It got me right on the wrist bone and knocked the gun out of my hand and was increadably painful. Still hurts now. At that point if I had have known who did it I would have hunted him down and shot him in the back of the head at close range.

That man needs to aprieciate the identity hiding mask.

I didn't do bad. I was still in the game and hadn't been shot in 2 of the games. I was quite suprised both times that happened as the first time I was quite near the opposite end where the other teams base was and saw one of my team go running for their flag (to win the game we had to get the other teams flag and get it back to our base) so just started shooting loads at where quite a few of the other team were to distract them. How on earth they didn't take me out I don't know.

The second time I was in until the end the aim was to collect 3 flags that were around the area and get them back to our base (both teams going for the first 3 flags) Suddenly someone shouted that we had all 3 flags so everyone back to base to protect them. I saw all these bodys emerging and running back to the base so I thought 'what the hell, just stand up and run' so I did and was waiting to feel the balls hitting my back but they didn't. I made it back to the base and sat there with gun at the ready until the whistle blew.

on all the others I lasted until almost the end and kept being suprised by finding my friends already there when I was out and went to the dead zone. Though I'm not sure how much was down to cowardice and me being curled up in a ball behind a baracade hahaha.

There were a lot of kids there and when the group of men left at lunch time we were even more outnumbered by kids but one of the marshalls told us that after they would ditch the kids and let the 4 of us have a game on our own.

So when that game was over they took everyone else (mainly kids and a few adults) back for a break and left us four and one marshal for our last game. We started as 2 teams of 2 and he said start on the first whistle, on the second whistle it is every man for himself and we are not out when shot but when we run out of ammo.

I was more scared of that game than any of the others. I couldn't believe the others were so keen. It sounded like it was going to hurt a lot. It was quite funny though. As soon as the whistle went I ran as far forward as I thought I safely could and then croutched down behind a baracade. Then I heard someone shout 'WHERE'S HELEN?' I thought 'they don't know where I am. Thank God' and just kept popping up and shooting people. I could hear the marshall laughing. I shot Matt several times as he was stood up in full view wondering aimlessly. Turns out his visor was completely covered in paint.

Then I shot Ann and she yelped and jumped... and then turned round to see where it had come from. I thought 'SHIT!'

She walked towards me firing her gun terminator like. I then discovered my gun was blocked and wouldn't fire. I shouted at Ann that my gun wasn't working and not to shoot me while I sort it. Bless her she did, she stopped and waited. I couldn't believe it, I doubt anyone else would have.

I sorted the gun and then thought, she's stood there with her gun pointing at me and is pretty close. it's going to hurt. So I didn't tell her my gun was fixed. Like the wuss I am I jumped up and ran away shouting 'don't shoot me, it'll hurt' Ann shouted 'is your gun working?' I said 'eerrrm' as I ran further and then turned round and fired my gun and said 'yes!'

We were quite near the marshal at that point and when I was running away pleading with Ann not to shoot me he was absolutely pissing himself laughing.

Afterwards someone mentioned that there had never been a second whistle and the marshal said 'the consept of teams went out the window in about the first 30 seconds'

It was fun but don't think I would be in too much of a hurry to do it again unless it was for a birthday or something. It does hurt. Though it did make me laugh a lot when as we were driving away mid conversation Matt said 'yeah, it was going quite well but then I ran into a tree and got shot in the face'

I forgot to say - my team won every game except one!

THAT'S MY BIKE

yesterday I didn't get the bike by the door. Someone else got there first so I had to move further into the room with people between me and the door.

And you know what. I survived.

I don't think I'm really bothered about that anymore but I did stuggle with it last night but then that isn't suprising as it was the last evening before my rest day. I was knackered.

Rest day today and paintballing tomorrow. I'm going to the trafford center today, maybe I should wear my hr monitor to see how many calories I burn off during shopping. Pity I don't have a boyfriend I could answer the age old question. which is better? Shopping or sex?

Not big enough for biggest loser?

Something has made me feel better. I have been really upset with my small weight losses and not being able to lose weight like they do on the biggest loser no matter what I do or eat.

People have said to me several times that the people on biggest loser are really big so are bound to lose more weight and I have said that isn't true, I'm as big as they are.

A new series that I have never seen before started today. I decided I was going to watch the first weigh in and chose a woman of similar age and weight to me and watch what weight she loses.

I couldn't do that and the reason I couldn't do it is there was that everyone weighted a lot more than me. There was no one anywhere near. The closest was 17stone 11lb which is currently 1st 11lb heavier than me and even if I went with that she is only 22 so will lose weight much easier.

At 38 year old and 16 stone I can't compare myself to a 22 year old 17st 11lb woman and she was the closest to me. And the other contestants were making comments that she didn't seem big enough to be on the show

So yes, that has made me feel quite a bit better about the amount of weight I'm losing.