Day 8 not 7

I miscounted somewhere didn't I. I had 2 day 6's. I'm so exhausted I can't count.

I've already posted about this morning but one thing I didn't talk about was something that really pissed me off at the gym. I sat down and had a coffee before setting off on the walk home and as I did I had a quick look through the Daily Mail as they always have a stack of them at the gym.

There was a story about a woman who was actually a shot putter but had been given the chance to run in that big Athletic thing that's happening at the moment. Being a shot putter she is quite a hefty lady and obviously came last.

Was the story congratulating her on going for it rather than turn it down and doing her best, going out there in front of everyone and going for it? No of course not, They printed pictures of her running and called her thunder thighs!

Is it any wonder that obese people daren't exercise or get help because they are scared of people laughing at them? It made me really angry.

I have discovered something this evening. I'm not as good at swimming as I thought. I think I've been comparing myself to children too long. Although I am always taking children swimming and have taught many children to swim it is a very very long time since I went swimming myself. I actually don't remember the last time.

I know I was quite good at school. There were others much better than me but many more worse, I was certainly towards the top end of the scale and after swimming at school stopped in the second year I used to go before school. Actually that was how I learned to dive. I doubt it would be allowed now but there was a man who used to go swimming early too that talked to me from time to time and I said that I couldn't dive and he said I would be able to if someone bothered to tell me how properly.

So he did, and he was right.

Anyway I digress. I arrived at the pool this evening and there were 3 sections fast, medium and slow. I didn't know which I was so I thought I'll start in the slow section, probably move up to medium and then see if I need to move into the fast bit.

I got in and remembered Matt telling me to make sure I worked hard so set off arms and legs going like mad... and hardly moved. I couldn't even keep up with the people in the slow section. There were a couple of old women swimming side by side and chatting who were going faster than me.

I was crap!

I considered having a goal at front crawl a couple of times but I never dare do that because I don't really know what I'm doing and will probably look silly or splash loads without realising it. So I didn't.

It wasn't long before I was exhaused. I really expected to be swimming constantly for 45mins but actually had to stop every couple of lengths. When I got out my legs were wobbly and I had trouble walking back to the changing room.

In the past when people have said that they go swimming for exercise I have thought that swimming isn't real exercise. I may have to revise that thought.

One thing I did love though. I don't think the novelty will ever wear off of being able to see the clock. I'm in the pool, and everything is crystal clear. Fantastic. If anyone reading this is short sighted what you waiting for? Go get your eyes lasered.

First weigh in

At 10am today I had my first weekly weigh in. I am now 104.6kg which is 16st 7lb which means I have lost 11lb. I'm fairly pleased with that. It's not a stone and believe me I've bleeding well worked enough for a stone but I need to remember the bloating.

My fat % has gone from 47.6 to 47.5 which isn't much but what really suprises me is my BMI has gone from 34.7 to 33.0 which seems more than I would expect compared to the fat %

This morning I part ran part walked the just over 3 miles to the gym. Had a session with Matt including getting weighed and then walked home uphill. It took me forever to get home, I thought I was never going to get here, my legs felt like lead. It is all uphill including 2 very steep hills, one of them (not the one I sent you a photo of Michelle, the other one) I swear is practically vertical.

I've been sat here thinking my god I feel almost as bad as I did when I did the 10 mile yesterday. Then I thought about it, it adds up to about 6.5 mile part running and a session at the gym. That must be equal to walking 10 mile.

weigh in day.

The day has started off well. Had the report from my hr watch which tells me I have worked off over 9000 cal during exercise this week. That's good.

I'm quite nervouse about getting weighed today but aren't going to get too hung up on it because I'm really really bloated. My soddin period keeps starting and stopping and starting and stopping. Can't make it's mind up what it's doing and I feel like a flipping water balloon.

And I have period pains again. That's one of the most annoying things about it. Every time it stops and starts again it completely starts again including the period pains.

ooo I've just remembered last night I dreamt Matt fixed me up with a job with Jamie Oliver. That isn't related to anything else except that I have just remembered it whilst typing this.

6 weeks of torture day 6

well setting off at 7am to walk 10 miles with period pains and feeling sick wasn't the most ecstatic moment of my life but I did it.

It was hell, it was cold and raining and the route I took the paths weren't exactly easy. When I got back I looked like I had a sunburned face (yeah like the sun ever appeared) but it was actually from the wind and rain against my face. I was absolutely soaked and tired and my feet and legs and shoulders all hurt so much.

However I was pleased that I managed to stick to the exact route I had plotted out and never got lost though I wasn't 100% sure I was taking the right path a couple of times. It did feel sooo good to sit down when I got home.

I did go to the gym to do my 90 minutes cardio and weights but it didn't go too well. the more I did the more dizzy and sick I felt. After the bike and some weights I got on the cross trainer and every time I started to move the room was spinning and I felt like I was going to throw up and was having all on to push the peddles. So I gave up and came home.

I still feel sick and dizzy.

I'm thinking maybe I should take Matts advice about sleeping between sessions.

10 mile!!!!

Oh great! so today I have to walk 10 mile and then do a 90 minute cardio/weights session with period pains. That's going to be fun isn't it?

Oh well, I never hear them mention it on the biggest loser so they obviously don't make allowances for it and no matter what the time of month I'm still fat.

So off I go.

bad night to follow the bad day?

I don't want to spend half the night crying until I fall asleep. I don't want to wake up in the morning with sore swollen eyes and absolutely knackered before I even start.

I wan't to go to sleep now, get a good nights sleep and wake up in the morning ready for my 10 mile walk, but I'm still upset and wound up and AWAKE and also I again haven't had the email I was promised and am getting stressed about that.

I fear I'm heading more towards option 1.

biggest loser day 6

Well despite how horrible today has been and how upset I've been all day I have eaten nothing I shouldn't have done.

I went to the early morning RPM class today and it was awful absolutely horrible, worse than that first time because this time I was trapped and couldn't get away.

When I went in there was supposed to have been a bike saved for me by the door but there wasn't. I had to go right to the far side of the room. Then it started, everyone else knew what they were doing. I hadn't considered the possibility I could have forgotten everything but now I think about it I did, I think, 4 of the beginner sessions and then 2 or 3 proper ones and that was all and was over a year ago. I also found that I couldn't hear a word Matt was saying, not a word, I just couldn't make it out and I don't think I adjusted the bike right because it hurt my back.

It was like being in a nightmare, just awful, I wanted to get out but couldn't because I was at the far side of the room. The bikes go right to the back with no room to go behind them and are close together so I would have had to walk right though to get out. I wanted to cry but knew I had to stop myself because I was trapped there in that room full of people. It was really taking every bit of concentration I had to stop myself from crying.

I thought just stay on the bike, keep my legs moving and don't draw attention to myself until it's over and I can get out of here. I kept looking at the clock and it didn't seem to be moving. I wasn't exactly working hard but I wasn't even thinking about that I was just trying not to cry.

Then something happened that I'm not going to talk about but basically I couldn't have drawn more attention to myself if I'd done cartwheels through the room. So I got off the bike and walked out.

I just got out of that gym as fast as I could. I sat in the car for a while and cried. I had no choice, as soon as I was out of sight of people I burst into tears and couldn't exactly drive. What I wanted to do more than anything was give up, completely, just like last time I wanted to get out of there and never go back. I wanted to go home and eat comforting things and curl up and cry for the rest of the day.

But what is different this time to last time is what I am in the process of doing. I've pinned a lot on this and staked all my holidays on it. Which is a big thing for me as once I'm back it's 7 days a week and as a single carer using up all my holidays really is a big thing. Time is limited, once it's over it's over and so is my chance to make a major difference to my life. I can't quit and I don't have the time to be upset and then decide to go back in a few days.

I came home and ate what I'm supposed to eat, oh and for some additional exercise I lifted a tumble drier down from a shelf that is high enough to be just above my washer and then after the new one was delivered I lifted it up onto the shelf. Ok so i couldn't do it in one go. I had to put a chair there and lift it onto the chair and then from the chair to the shelf but it was bloody hard work.

In the afternoon I went back to the gym. I was supposed to do an upper body workout but I didn't really know what that meant so I just did a combination of cardio and weights.

After that I kept putting off the lampost run. I just didn't want to. I was still really upset and that made me feel tired and like I just couldn't be bothered. I really really didn't want to so jumped at the excuse when it started pouring down.

Stephen went out, there was nothing on tv (I'm starting to see why they don't have tv or internet in the biggest loser, maybe I should ban myself from them like I was originally going to do) and no one to talk to online. I don't feel I have any place within join me anymore and there was nothing on facebook and I was sill upset, I felt very very alone... nothing new there really.

The rain had stopped and I though 'I should stop making excuses and go' so I did. As soon as I was out there I was glad I had. I felt so much better out there running than sitting at home alone and upset.

I have also plotted out a 10 mile walk for tomorrow.

It has been a horrible day but I'm quite pleased that I have done everything right despite that (except the RPM class)