biggest loser day 6

Well despite how horrible today has been and how upset I've been all day I have eaten nothing I shouldn't have done.

I went to the early morning RPM class today and it was awful absolutely horrible, worse than that first time because this time I was trapped and couldn't get away.

When I went in there was supposed to have been a bike saved for me by the door but there wasn't. I had to go right to the far side of the room. Then it started, everyone else knew what they were doing. I hadn't considered the possibility I could have forgotten everything but now I think about it I did, I think, 4 of the beginner sessions and then 2 or 3 proper ones and that was all and was over a year ago. I also found that I couldn't hear a word Matt was saying, not a word, I just couldn't make it out and I don't think I adjusted the bike right because it hurt my back.

It was like being in a nightmare, just awful, I wanted to get out but couldn't because I was at the far side of the room. The bikes go right to the back with no room to go behind them and are close together so I would have had to walk right though to get out. I wanted to cry but knew I had to stop myself because I was trapped there in that room full of people. It was really taking every bit of concentration I had to stop myself from crying.

I thought just stay on the bike, keep my legs moving and don't draw attention to myself until it's over and I can get out of here. I kept looking at the clock and it didn't seem to be moving. I wasn't exactly working hard but I wasn't even thinking about that I was just trying not to cry.

Then something happened that I'm not going to talk about but basically I couldn't have drawn more attention to myself if I'd done cartwheels through the room. So I got off the bike and walked out.

I just got out of that gym as fast as I could. I sat in the car for a while and cried. I had no choice, as soon as I was out of sight of people I burst into tears and couldn't exactly drive. What I wanted to do more than anything was give up, completely, just like last time I wanted to get out of there and never go back. I wanted to go home and eat comforting things and curl up and cry for the rest of the day.

But what is different this time to last time is what I am in the process of doing. I've pinned a lot on this and staked all my holidays on it. Which is a big thing for me as once I'm back it's 7 days a week and as a single carer using up all my holidays really is a big thing. Time is limited, once it's over it's over and so is my chance to make a major difference to my life. I can't quit and I don't have the time to be upset and then decide to go back in a few days.

I came home and ate what I'm supposed to eat, oh and for some additional exercise I lifted a tumble drier down from a shelf that is high enough to be just above my washer and then after the new one was delivered I lifted it up onto the shelf. Ok so i couldn't do it in one go. I had to put a chair there and lift it onto the chair and then from the chair to the shelf but it was bloody hard work.

In the afternoon I went back to the gym. I was supposed to do an upper body workout but I didn't really know what that meant so I just did a combination of cardio and weights.

After that I kept putting off the lampost run. I just didn't want to. I was still really upset and that made me feel tired and like I just couldn't be bothered. I really really didn't want to so jumped at the excuse when it started pouring down.

Stephen went out, there was nothing on tv (I'm starting to see why they don't have tv or internet in the biggest loser, maybe I should ban myself from them like I was originally going to do) and no one to talk to online. I don't feel I have any place within join me anymore and there was nothing on facebook and I was sill upset, I felt very very alone... nothing new there really.

The rain had stopped and I though 'I should stop making excuses and go' so I did. As soon as I was out there I was glad I had. I felt so much better out there running than sitting at home alone and upset.

I have also plotted out a 10 mile walk for tomorrow.

It has been a horrible day but I'm quite pleased that I have done everything right despite that (except the RPM class)