Well tonight I have really fucked up.
I went to the gym but was really really stuggling. I was so tired and everything was so hard. The sweat was pouring off me at seemingly the slightest thing. After I gave up on the summit trainer after 10 minutes instead of 20 minutes I sent a text to Matt. I got a text back warning me about doing too much and as good as telling me to stop.
I argued back, I was determined not to give up and to work off the days calories. Yes I'm stubbon. No I don't like failing or giving up. I went on the treadmill and after a couple of minutes I started gettting twinges in my knee.
I thought, they are only slight twinges, I can deal with that. It'll be ok as I'm stopping after this anyway. Then I suddenly got a sharp pain in my knee and my knee gave way. I almost fell of the treadmill but I managed not to and hit the stop button.
It has been hurting ever since. I'm quite worried, it's not hurt like this before. Still I managed to work off over 600 cals
got an appointment with Matt in the morning I'll see what he says about it.
Monday, 21 July 2008
struggling
This morning I reallyu stuggled to muster up the willingness to do my step video. I really really didn't want to. I did though including the high intensity bits and burned off 421. That is more than I burned off with the same video yesterday. I recon that is because I'm tireder and stuggled more so my heart rate will have been higher.
I always do my video bare foot but today I was getting twinges in my knee so Im wondering if I really should wear my trainers though I prefere to do it bare foot and know I'll find it more difficult.
I also need to drink more water. I got a headache yesterday at the gym that continued until this morning. It was like the headaches I used to get when I first started to run 5k and is obviously dehydration because I did so much yesterday. I am now trying to drink more and have already drunk a full bottle which I think is 2ltr.
I always do my video bare foot but today I was getting twinges in my knee so Im wondering if I really should wear my trainers though I prefere to do it bare foot and know I'll find it more difficult.
I also need to drink more water. I got a headache yesterday at the gym that continued until this morning. It was like the headaches I used to get when I first started to run 5k and is obviously dehydration because I did so much yesterday. I am now trying to drink more and have already drunk a full bottle which I think is 2ltr.
Sunday, 20 July 2008
working a lot harder
Today I have eaten 1044 calories. This morning I did an exercise video and burned off 392 calories. This evening I went to the gym and burned off 776 calories making a total of 1168 calories burned off. I'm happy with that.
My god I've worked hard. At the gym my maximum heart rate was 182. I was pleased this morning to find that I couldn't get my heart rate up very high with the standard workout I usually do on the video and had to include all the extra bits designed to increase intensity.
I was very pleased with that as I remember only being able to do about 5 minutes of the easy version before collapsing onto the sofa gasping for breath and my heart beating so hard it felt like it was going to explode out of my chest.
My god I've worked hard. At the gym my maximum heart rate was 182. I was pleased this morning to find that I couldn't get my heart rate up very high with the standard workout I usually do on the video and had to include all the extra bits designed to increase intensity.
I was very pleased with that as I remember only being able to do about 5 minutes of the easy version before collapsing onto the sofa gasping for breath and my heart beating so hard it felt like it was going to explode out of my chest.
Got to try harder
Things haven't exactly gone according to plan since my last post. I went on holiday to Butlins. I had good intentions as I didn't see it as me being on holiday. I was going for Cody, it was Codys holiday so I took my gym stuff and intended to run or go to the gym every day and because it was half board and I didn't have to cook I could choose healthy things to eat.
I started off well but each day was worse than the one before and I only went running once and didn't go to the gym at all. We're talking burger king, all you can eat pizza buffet, bacon butties, toast and jam, and lots of junk, chocolate, crisp sandwiches etc on an evening.
I got home on friday and went straight to the gym where Matt weighed me. I knew it was bad when he said he wasn't going to tell me. Then I could see he was debating wether to tell me the truth or not but I pointed out that I hate him lying to me even in a good cause because it means I never know whether to believe him and don't trust him. So he told me - 99.something kg 15st 8lb! I have put on half a stone in a week!
I was really quite upset about that. I really didn't think it would be that bad, despite all the food, I did go running one night and I was on the go constantly with Cody. I left my heart rate monitor on for 24 hours to see how much I was doing. I worked off 3500 cal in one day and that wasn't when I went running.
I wish I didn't put weight on so easily.
I came home and well and truly made the most of the last day before going back on the diet. If matt reads this he isn't going to be happy, I didn't tell him that. I had chicken wings, potato wedges and pizza from pizza hut, I also had biscuits toast and crisp sandwiches.
I was upset and when I'm upset I eat and was thinking is there any point maybe I'll give up it's too hard (my usual reaction to putting weight on)
But I started the next day with determination. I decided I'm not going to do what I've done in the past and I'm not going to go back to how I was. I decided I will go all out to lose at least the half stone I've put on before next week.
I have cut down the number of calories I'm having to around 1000 a day and am working out wherever possible. I went to the gym last night and worked really hard and worked off 569 cal if I remember rightly. This morning I have already done an exercise video and worked off just under 400 cal and will go to the gym once Cody is in bed.
The down side to that is I'll miss Gladiators, why can't it be on an hour earlier or the gym open an hour later?
Almost lunch time, poached egg on toast. yum yum
I started off well but each day was worse than the one before and I only went running once and didn't go to the gym at all. We're talking burger king, all you can eat pizza buffet, bacon butties, toast and jam, and lots of junk, chocolate, crisp sandwiches etc on an evening.
I got home on friday and went straight to the gym where Matt weighed me. I knew it was bad when he said he wasn't going to tell me. Then I could see he was debating wether to tell me the truth or not but I pointed out that I hate him lying to me even in a good cause because it means I never know whether to believe him and don't trust him. So he told me - 99.something kg 15st 8lb! I have put on half a stone in a week!
I was really quite upset about that. I really didn't think it would be that bad, despite all the food, I did go running one night and I was on the go constantly with Cody. I left my heart rate monitor on for 24 hours to see how much I was doing. I worked off 3500 cal in one day and that wasn't when I went running.
I wish I didn't put weight on so easily.
I came home and well and truly made the most of the last day before going back on the diet. If matt reads this he isn't going to be happy, I didn't tell him that. I had chicken wings, potato wedges and pizza from pizza hut, I also had biscuits toast and crisp sandwiches.
I was upset and when I'm upset I eat and was thinking is there any point maybe I'll give up it's too hard (my usual reaction to putting weight on)
But I started the next day with determination. I decided I'm not going to do what I've done in the past and I'm not going to go back to how I was. I decided I will go all out to lose at least the half stone I've put on before next week.
I have cut down the number of calories I'm having to around 1000 a day and am working out wherever possible. I went to the gym last night and worked really hard and worked off 569 cal if I remember rightly. This morning I have already done an exercise video and worked off just under 400 cal and will go to the gym once Cody is in bed.
The down side to that is I'll miss Gladiators, why can't it be on an hour earlier or the gym open an hour later?
Almost lunch time, poached egg on toast. yum yum
Friday, 11 July 2008
Torture
So today I was dreading going to the gym and having my photo taken. Of course it was just coincidence that I happened to be wearing some make up today and big baggy clothes that hide all the lumps and bumps.
However it wasn't as simple as that. Matt didn't think that that would be making me suffer quite enough. He decided he was going to take photos of my on a spinning bike.
So, take someone who is fat and unfit and hates having their photo taken. Put them on a spinning bike and turn the resistance up until they think they are going to die and have sweat dripping off them (lovely, that always grosses me out) then take photos of them. He really should patent that as a form or torture, it's genius!
When I initially got the text about being client of the month I thought it was just a case of putting my name under a heading of 'client of the month' on his board but not only are there photos apparently he is writing something too.
It's ok though because he is going to send it to me before he puts it up to make sure I'm happy with it.
Oh the good news, I almost forgot I was so busy complaining about the torture he puts me through (for good reason I know blah blah blah) He weighed me today and I've lost 2 lb. I'm quite pleased with that as I was hoping I might have stayed the same as I haven't exactly been good up to a couple of days ago but was expecting I may have put on.
I was a bit none commital at the time saying 'that's ok' but that is only because I'm still over 15 stone. I am now 15st 2lb and although I'm happy about the loss that is not a weight I can be pleased about.
I NEED to get under 14st 7lb so I can be please with my progress again.
However it wasn't as simple as that. Matt didn't think that that would be making me suffer quite enough. He decided he was going to take photos of my on a spinning bike.
So, take someone who is fat and unfit and hates having their photo taken. Put them on a spinning bike and turn the resistance up until they think they are going to die and have sweat dripping off them (lovely, that always grosses me out) then take photos of them. He really should patent that as a form or torture, it's genius!
When I initially got the text about being client of the month I thought it was just a case of putting my name under a heading of 'client of the month' on his board but not only are there photos apparently he is writing something too.
It's ok though because he is going to send it to me before he puts it up to make sure I'm happy with it.
Oh the good news, I almost forgot I was so busy complaining about the torture he puts me through (for good reason I know blah blah blah) He weighed me today and I've lost 2 lb. I'm quite pleased with that as I was hoping I might have stayed the same as I haven't exactly been good up to a couple of days ago but was expecting I may have put on.
I was a bit none commital at the time saying 'that's ok' but that is only because I'm still over 15 stone. I am now 15st 2lb and although I'm happy about the loss that is not a weight I can be pleased about.
I NEED to get under 14st 7lb so I can be please with my progress again.
Thursday, 10 July 2008
grounded
Finally we have some decent weather! Today would be an ideal day to go for a walk/run. That is it would be if Stephen hadn't gone to the great yorkshire show with my mum. That means no babysitter so I'm grounded.
How bloody annoying is that.
Still the good news is my diet has been perfect again today. I don't want to speak too soon but I do seem to be gettin back into it and finding it easier again.... just in time for me to go on holiday and it all go down the drain again.
I didn't even eat any of the chocolate pudding and ice cream I gave the children after tea despite it looking delicious and there being loads left over.
Matt wants to put me on his board as client of the month. At first I was pleased with that but then he said 'I'll bring my camera tomorrow' WHAT!!!!!! I don't want my photo taking in the gym in my awful gym clothes and no make up and hair fastened back looking all akward because I'm stood having my photo taken like that and sober and then it putting up for everyone to see!
I have about 250 photos of me on facebook (mostly ones I either didn't know were being taken or have no memory of being taken due to alcohol) and I'm hoping he will agree to use one of those instead.
Added at 6.45pm. Well now it is absolutely throwing it down (that always makes me think of Mollie who always said 'it's throwing itself down') so I feel better about being stuck in the house.
How bloody annoying is that.
Still the good news is my diet has been perfect again today. I don't want to speak too soon but I do seem to be gettin back into it and finding it easier again.... just in time for me to go on holiday and it all go down the drain again.
I didn't even eat any of the chocolate pudding and ice cream I gave the children after tea despite it looking delicious and there being loads left over.
Matt wants to put me on his board as client of the month. At first I was pleased with that but then he said 'I'll bring my camera tomorrow' WHAT!!!!!! I don't want my photo taking in the gym in my awful gym clothes and no make up and hair fastened back looking all akward because I'm stood having my photo taken like that and sober and then it putting up for everyone to see!
I have about 250 photos of me on facebook (mostly ones I either didn't know were being taken or have no memory of being taken due to alcohol) and I'm hoping he will agree to use one of those instead.
Added at 6.45pm. Well now it is absolutely throwing it down (that always makes me think of Mollie who always said 'it's throwing itself down') so I feel better about being stuck in the house.
Wednesday, 9 July 2008
Good Day
I've had a much better day today, a very good day actually (could be that the pmt has passed)
I have stuck to my diet, in fact I haven't had all my snacks because I've been out and it hasn't bothered me. I took Cody into the cafe for lunch after we went swimming at Huddersfield sports centre but I didn't use it as an excuse to eat the most delicious sounding, fattiest thing on the menu. I checked what I was supposed to be having before we left, jacket potatoe and baked beans and it was on the menu so I had it and enjoyed it.
Then I went to the gym for my spinning session with Matt and worked really really hard. I think that is the hardest session I have ever had at the gym.
I told Matt that when I get down to 14 stone I will have another go at a spinning class. Matt looked a bit uneasy when I said that and I'm not suprised, I'm wondering if I'm going to regret saying that. The last time I attempted a spinning class wasn't exactly successful.
I was going to copy my initial post about it from the join me forum but having gone back and read it all there is just too much. There is about 2 pages of me going into complete melt down and everyone else trying to talk me round or persuaid me to at least not do anything (like quit training with matt and quit the gym and give up completely) whilst upset and wait until tomorrow. Hell it's a good job I have patient friends.
Matt had been trying to persuaid me to do a class for a while but I had kept saying no because i hadn't done one since before I had put the weight on years and years before and I was really nervous and self concious. i eventually agreed to go to a spinning class on Thursday night. I told Matt I would come and checked the time on the board the day before and it was 7pm.
I arrived early and sat in my car for a while because I was so scared. I felt sick I was so nervous. When I went in and went round to the room it was already going on. It was still before 7. i was stood there unsure what to do when Matt started shouting me to go in over the mic he was wearing. That was really awful, having to walk in, after it had started, with all attention drawn to me. I just wanted to run away.
I got on a bike and looked at it and didn't have a clue what to do, I couldn't make out anything Matt was saying because it was so loud. Everyone else was doing things all at the same time and obviously knew what they were doing. I was just sat there slowly peddling feeling like an idiot. After a couple of minutes I quickly got off the bike and left the room. I felt so humiliated and like my worst fears of going to a class hadn't been bad enough.
I went out, sat in my car and cried until I had calmed down enough to drive. Then I went home and continued to spend all evening and much of the night crying and decided there was no point. I was giving up. It was too hard and I just wasn't cut out for it. I wasn't like the other people in that class and I was just fooling myself.
In my mind the worst of it was that Matt had told me I could do it, he knew I was going, he knew how nervous I was and yet he had started the class early and then shouted me over the mic.
I sent him a text cancelling all further sessions, and also in response to his texts asking what was wrong got quite stroppy with him.
Anyway as always joinees got me sorted and persuided me to backtrack and at least go back once more. One made me laugh, whilst getting so many posts on the forum, private messages, emails, texts, all very sympathetic I got one phone call, from Jamie. He simply said 'He fucked up, he's human, give the bloke a break'
All wasn't how it seemed though as I found out when I went back. Apparently the time on the board was wrong. The class started at 6.45 and Matt thought he had told me that.
I also came to realise that much like the other day I also had PMT when that happened.
Since then we have had a couple of one on one spinning classes and he has shown me how to use the bike and what happens in a class. He says that before I do a class he will do a class with me exactly the same so I know exactly what to expect. (he also added that when I do go into a class he is going to lock the door behind me)
I am very tired. I'm looking forward to sleep tonight.
I have stuck to my diet, in fact I haven't had all my snacks because I've been out and it hasn't bothered me. I took Cody into the cafe for lunch after we went swimming at Huddersfield sports centre but I didn't use it as an excuse to eat the most delicious sounding, fattiest thing on the menu. I checked what I was supposed to be having before we left, jacket potatoe and baked beans and it was on the menu so I had it and enjoyed it.
Then I went to the gym for my spinning session with Matt and worked really really hard. I think that is the hardest session I have ever had at the gym.
I told Matt that when I get down to 14 stone I will have another go at a spinning class. Matt looked a bit uneasy when I said that and I'm not suprised, I'm wondering if I'm going to regret saying that. The last time I attempted a spinning class wasn't exactly successful.
I was going to copy my initial post about it from the join me forum but having gone back and read it all there is just too much. There is about 2 pages of me going into complete melt down and everyone else trying to talk me round or persuaid me to at least not do anything (like quit training with matt and quit the gym and give up completely) whilst upset and wait until tomorrow. Hell it's a good job I have patient friends.
Matt had been trying to persuaid me to do a class for a while but I had kept saying no because i hadn't done one since before I had put the weight on years and years before and I was really nervous and self concious. i eventually agreed to go to a spinning class on Thursday night. I told Matt I would come and checked the time on the board the day before and it was 7pm.
I arrived early and sat in my car for a while because I was so scared. I felt sick I was so nervous. When I went in and went round to the room it was already going on. It was still before 7. i was stood there unsure what to do when Matt started shouting me to go in over the mic he was wearing. That was really awful, having to walk in, after it had started, with all attention drawn to me. I just wanted to run away.
I got on a bike and looked at it and didn't have a clue what to do, I couldn't make out anything Matt was saying because it was so loud. Everyone else was doing things all at the same time and obviously knew what they were doing. I was just sat there slowly peddling feeling like an idiot. After a couple of minutes I quickly got off the bike and left the room. I felt so humiliated and like my worst fears of going to a class hadn't been bad enough.
I went out, sat in my car and cried until I had calmed down enough to drive. Then I went home and continued to spend all evening and much of the night crying and decided there was no point. I was giving up. It was too hard and I just wasn't cut out for it. I wasn't like the other people in that class and I was just fooling myself.
In my mind the worst of it was that Matt had told me I could do it, he knew I was going, he knew how nervous I was and yet he had started the class early and then shouted me over the mic.
I sent him a text cancelling all further sessions, and also in response to his texts asking what was wrong got quite stroppy with him.
Anyway as always joinees got me sorted and persuided me to backtrack and at least go back once more. One made me laugh, whilst getting so many posts on the forum, private messages, emails, texts, all very sympathetic I got one phone call, from Jamie. He simply said 'He fucked up, he's human, give the bloke a break'
All wasn't how it seemed though as I found out when I went back. Apparently the time on the board was wrong. The class started at 6.45 and Matt thought he had told me that.
I also came to realise that much like the other day I also had PMT when that happened.
Since then we have had a couple of one on one spinning classes and he has shown me how to use the bike and what happens in a class. He says that before I do a class he will do a class with me exactly the same so I know exactly what to expect. (he also added that when I do go into a class he is going to lock the door behind me)
I am very tired. I'm looking forward to sleep tonight.
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