Good Day

I've had a much better day today, a very good day actually (could be that the pmt has passed)

I have stuck to my diet, in fact I haven't had all my snacks because I've been out and it hasn't bothered me. I took Cody into the cafe for lunch after we went swimming at Huddersfield sports centre but I didn't use it as an excuse to eat the most delicious sounding, fattiest thing on the menu. I checked what I was supposed to be having before we left, jacket potatoe and baked beans and it was on the menu so I had it and enjoyed it.

Then I went to the gym for my spinning session with Matt and worked really really hard. I think that is the hardest session I have ever had at the gym.

I told Matt that when I get down to 14 stone I will have another go at a spinning class. Matt looked a bit uneasy when I said that and I'm not suprised, I'm wondering if I'm going to regret saying that. The last time I attempted a spinning class wasn't exactly successful.

I was going to copy my initial post about it from the join me forum but having gone back and read it all there is just too much. There is about 2 pages of me going into complete melt down and everyone else trying to talk me round or persuaid me to at least not do anything (like quit training with matt and quit the gym and give up completely) whilst upset and wait until tomorrow. Hell it's a good job I have patient friends.

Matt had been trying to persuaid me to do a class for a while but I had kept saying no because i hadn't done one since before I had put the weight on years and years before and I was really nervous and self concious. i eventually agreed to go to a spinning class on Thursday night. I told Matt I would come and checked the time on the board the day before and it was 7pm.

I arrived early and sat in my car for a while because I was so scared. I felt sick I was so nervous. When I went in and went round to the room it was already going on. It was still before 7. i was stood there unsure what to do when Matt started shouting me to go in over the mic he was wearing. That was really awful, having to walk in, after it had started, with all attention drawn to me. I just wanted to run away.

I got on a bike and looked at it and didn't have a clue what to do, I couldn't make out anything Matt was saying because it was so loud. Everyone else was doing things all at the same time and obviously knew what they were doing. I was just sat there slowly peddling feeling like an idiot. After a couple of minutes I quickly got off the bike and left the room. I felt so humiliated and like my worst fears of going to a class hadn't been bad enough.

I went out, sat in my car and cried until I had calmed down enough to drive. Then I went home and continued to spend all evening and much of the night crying and decided there was no point. I was giving up. It was too hard and I just wasn't cut out for it. I wasn't like the other people in that class and I was just fooling myself.

In my mind the worst of it was that Matt had told me I could do it, he knew I was going, he knew how nervous I was and yet he had started the class early and then shouted me over the mic.

I sent him a text cancelling all further sessions, and also in response to his texts asking what was wrong got quite stroppy with him.

Anyway as always joinees got me sorted and persuided me to backtrack and at least go back once more. One made me laugh, whilst getting so many posts on the forum, private messages, emails, texts, all very sympathetic I got one phone call, from Jamie. He simply said 'He fucked up, he's human, give the bloke a break'

All wasn't how it seemed though as I found out when I went back. Apparently the time on the board was wrong. The class started at 6.45 and Matt thought he had told me that.

I also came to realise that much like the other day I also had PMT when that happened.

Since then we have had a couple of one on one spinning classes and he has shown me how to use the bike and what happens in a class. He says that before I do a class he will do a class with me exactly the same so I know exactly what to expect. (he also added that when I do go into a class he is going to lock the door behind me)

I am very tired. I'm looking forward to sleep tonight.