Well once again today is the day I'm allowed to eat whatever and however much I want for tea and supper. I am allowed this once every 2 weeks. I always look forward to it. I'm always thinking about what I'm going to eat next time.
Today is typical of every time. I decided I wanted pie and chips for tea. That might be suprising, pretty basic and unimaginative when I could eat anything but it is something that I used to eat regularly and aren't allowed anymore. It was nice.... but I'm sure a quater of the portion I had would have been just as nice. I ate loads. So much I was stuffed and uncomfortable and couldn't face the pudding.
I waited a little while but not too long then forced a huge portion of pudding down, why do I feel I have to because I'm allowed and I won't be able to tomorrow?I am now sat here feeling sick and not well and unable to move and thinking 'but what about the bacon and cream cheese bagels and thick toast with loads of butter I was going to have for supper?'I just can't eat the way I used to.
Maybe one day I will learn about moderation when I'm not being forced and it is my own choice?
anyway in other news I have been losing and putting weight on, always in large degrees. This week I have lost 6lb but not because of extremes. I have just stuck to the plan and I'm hoping that means I will continue to lose and not put it back on next week.
my knee has continued to be a nuisance. Matt says I need to go to the doctor but I now have a knee support that seems to do the job. Having said that, after yesterdays running on the treadmill it has been hurting all day today.
Maybe I will go to the doc but even if they do scan it and find what is wrong I can't see them being able to do anything about it. It's more likely I'll just get banned from doing things I want to do.
Sometimes ignorance is bliss.
Saturday 9 August 2008
Monday 21 July 2008
knackered knee
Well tonight I have really fucked up.
I went to the gym but was really really stuggling. I was so tired and everything was so hard. The sweat was pouring off me at seemingly the slightest thing. After I gave up on the summit trainer after 10 minutes instead of 20 minutes I sent a text to Matt. I got a text back warning me about doing too much and as good as telling me to stop.
I argued back, I was determined not to give up and to work off the days calories. Yes I'm stubbon. No I don't like failing or giving up. I went on the treadmill and after a couple of minutes I started gettting twinges in my knee.
I thought, they are only slight twinges, I can deal with that. It'll be ok as I'm stopping after this anyway. Then I suddenly got a sharp pain in my knee and my knee gave way. I almost fell of the treadmill but I managed not to and hit the stop button.
It has been hurting ever since. I'm quite worried, it's not hurt like this before. Still I managed to work off over 600 cals
got an appointment with Matt in the morning I'll see what he says about it.
I went to the gym but was really really stuggling. I was so tired and everything was so hard. The sweat was pouring off me at seemingly the slightest thing. After I gave up on the summit trainer after 10 minutes instead of 20 minutes I sent a text to Matt. I got a text back warning me about doing too much and as good as telling me to stop.
I argued back, I was determined not to give up and to work off the days calories. Yes I'm stubbon. No I don't like failing or giving up. I went on the treadmill and after a couple of minutes I started gettting twinges in my knee.
I thought, they are only slight twinges, I can deal with that. It'll be ok as I'm stopping after this anyway. Then I suddenly got a sharp pain in my knee and my knee gave way. I almost fell of the treadmill but I managed not to and hit the stop button.
It has been hurting ever since. I'm quite worried, it's not hurt like this before. Still I managed to work off over 600 cals
got an appointment with Matt in the morning I'll see what he says about it.
struggling
This morning I reallyu stuggled to muster up the willingness to do my step video. I really really didn't want to. I did though including the high intensity bits and burned off 421. That is more than I burned off with the same video yesterday. I recon that is because I'm tireder and stuggled more so my heart rate will have been higher.
I always do my video bare foot but today I was getting twinges in my knee so Im wondering if I really should wear my trainers though I prefere to do it bare foot and know I'll find it more difficult.
I also need to drink more water. I got a headache yesterday at the gym that continued until this morning. It was like the headaches I used to get when I first started to run 5k and is obviously dehydration because I did so much yesterday. I am now trying to drink more and have already drunk a full bottle which I think is 2ltr.
I always do my video bare foot but today I was getting twinges in my knee so Im wondering if I really should wear my trainers though I prefere to do it bare foot and know I'll find it more difficult.
I also need to drink more water. I got a headache yesterday at the gym that continued until this morning. It was like the headaches I used to get when I first started to run 5k and is obviously dehydration because I did so much yesterday. I am now trying to drink more and have already drunk a full bottle which I think is 2ltr.
Sunday 20 July 2008
working a lot harder
Today I have eaten 1044 calories. This morning I did an exercise video and burned off 392 calories. This evening I went to the gym and burned off 776 calories making a total of 1168 calories burned off. I'm happy with that.
My god I've worked hard. At the gym my maximum heart rate was 182. I was pleased this morning to find that I couldn't get my heart rate up very high with the standard workout I usually do on the video and had to include all the extra bits designed to increase intensity.
I was very pleased with that as I remember only being able to do about 5 minutes of the easy version before collapsing onto the sofa gasping for breath and my heart beating so hard it felt like it was going to explode out of my chest.
My god I've worked hard. At the gym my maximum heart rate was 182. I was pleased this morning to find that I couldn't get my heart rate up very high with the standard workout I usually do on the video and had to include all the extra bits designed to increase intensity.
I was very pleased with that as I remember only being able to do about 5 minutes of the easy version before collapsing onto the sofa gasping for breath and my heart beating so hard it felt like it was going to explode out of my chest.
Got to try harder
Things haven't exactly gone according to plan since my last post. I went on holiday to Butlins. I had good intentions as I didn't see it as me being on holiday. I was going for Cody, it was Codys holiday so I took my gym stuff and intended to run or go to the gym every day and because it was half board and I didn't have to cook I could choose healthy things to eat.
I started off well but each day was worse than the one before and I only went running once and didn't go to the gym at all. We're talking burger king, all you can eat pizza buffet, bacon butties, toast and jam, and lots of junk, chocolate, crisp sandwiches etc on an evening.
I got home on friday and went straight to the gym where Matt weighed me. I knew it was bad when he said he wasn't going to tell me. Then I could see he was debating wether to tell me the truth or not but I pointed out that I hate him lying to me even in a good cause because it means I never know whether to believe him and don't trust him. So he told me - 99.something kg 15st 8lb! I have put on half a stone in a week!
I was really quite upset about that. I really didn't think it would be that bad, despite all the food, I did go running one night and I was on the go constantly with Cody. I left my heart rate monitor on for 24 hours to see how much I was doing. I worked off 3500 cal in one day and that wasn't when I went running.
I wish I didn't put weight on so easily.
I came home and well and truly made the most of the last day before going back on the diet. If matt reads this he isn't going to be happy, I didn't tell him that. I had chicken wings, potato wedges and pizza from pizza hut, I also had biscuits toast and crisp sandwiches.
I was upset and when I'm upset I eat and was thinking is there any point maybe I'll give up it's too hard (my usual reaction to putting weight on)
But I started the next day with determination. I decided I'm not going to do what I've done in the past and I'm not going to go back to how I was. I decided I will go all out to lose at least the half stone I've put on before next week.
I have cut down the number of calories I'm having to around 1000 a day and am working out wherever possible. I went to the gym last night and worked really hard and worked off 569 cal if I remember rightly. This morning I have already done an exercise video and worked off just under 400 cal and will go to the gym once Cody is in bed.
The down side to that is I'll miss Gladiators, why can't it be on an hour earlier or the gym open an hour later?
Almost lunch time, poached egg on toast. yum yum
I started off well but each day was worse than the one before and I only went running once and didn't go to the gym at all. We're talking burger king, all you can eat pizza buffet, bacon butties, toast and jam, and lots of junk, chocolate, crisp sandwiches etc on an evening.
I got home on friday and went straight to the gym where Matt weighed me. I knew it was bad when he said he wasn't going to tell me. Then I could see he was debating wether to tell me the truth or not but I pointed out that I hate him lying to me even in a good cause because it means I never know whether to believe him and don't trust him. So he told me - 99.something kg 15st 8lb! I have put on half a stone in a week!
I was really quite upset about that. I really didn't think it would be that bad, despite all the food, I did go running one night and I was on the go constantly with Cody. I left my heart rate monitor on for 24 hours to see how much I was doing. I worked off 3500 cal in one day and that wasn't when I went running.
I wish I didn't put weight on so easily.
I came home and well and truly made the most of the last day before going back on the diet. If matt reads this he isn't going to be happy, I didn't tell him that. I had chicken wings, potato wedges and pizza from pizza hut, I also had biscuits toast and crisp sandwiches.
I was upset and when I'm upset I eat and was thinking is there any point maybe I'll give up it's too hard (my usual reaction to putting weight on)
But I started the next day with determination. I decided I'm not going to do what I've done in the past and I'm not going to go back to how I was. I decided I will go all out to lose at least the half stone I've put on before next week.
I have cut down the number of calories I'm having to around 1000 a day and am working out wherever possible. I went to the gym last night and worked really hard and worked off 569 cal if I remember rightly. This morning I have already done an exercise video and worked off just under 400 cal and will go to the gym once Cody is in bed.
The down side to that is I'll miss Gladiators, why can't it be on an hour earlier or the gym open an hour later?
Almost lunch time, poached egg on toast. yum yum
Friday 11 July 2008
Torture
So today I was dreading going to the gym and having my photo taken. Of course it was just coincidence that I happened to be wearing some make up today and big baggy clothes that hide all the lumps and bumps.
However it wasn't as simple as that. Matt didn't think that that would be making me suffer quite enough. He decided he was going to take photos of my on a spinning bike.
So, take someone who is fat and unfit and hates having their photo taken. Put them on a spinning bike and turn the resistance up until they think they are going to die and have sweat dripping off them (lovely, that always grosses me out) then take photos of them. He really should patent that as a form or torture, it's genius!
When I initially got the text about being client of the month I thought it was just a case of putting my name under a heading of 'client of the month' on his board but not only are there photos apparently he is writing something too.
It's ok though because he is going to send it to me before he puts it up to make sure I'm happy with it.
Oh the good news, I almost forgot I was so busy complaining about the torture he puts me through (for good reason I know blah blah blah) He weighed me today and I've lost 2 lb. I'm quite pleased with that as I was hoping I might have stayed the same as I haven't exactly been good up to a couple of days ago but was expecting I may have put on.
I was a bit none commital at the time saying 'that's ok' but that is only because I'm still over 15 stone. I am now 15st 2lb and although I'm happy about the loss that is not a weight I can be pleased about.
I NEED to get under 14st 7lb so I can be please with my progress again.
However it wasn't as simple as that. Matt didn't think that that would be making me suffer quite enough. He decided he was going to take photos of my on a spinning bike.
So, take someone who is fat and unfit and hates having their photo taken. Put them on a spinning bike and turn the resistance up until they think they are going to die and have sweat dripping off them (lovely, that always grosses me out) then take photos of them. He really should patent that as a form or torture, it's genius!
When I initially got the text about being client of the month I thought it was just a case of putting my name under a heading of 'client of the month' on his board but not only are there photos apparently he is writing something too.
It's ok though because he is going to send it to me before he puts it up to make sure I'm happy with it.
Oh the good news, I almost forgot I was so busy complaining about the torture he puts me through (for good reason I know blah blah blah) He weighed me today and I've lost 2 lb. I'm quite pleased with that as I was hoping I might have stayed the same as I haven't exactly been good up to a couple of days ago but was expecting I may have put on.
I was a bit none commital at the time saying 'that's ok' but that is only because I'm still over 15 stone. I am now 15st 2lb and although I'm happy about the loss that is not a weight I can be pleased about.
I NEED to get under 14st 7lb so I can be please with my progress again.
Thursday 10 July 2008
grounded
Finally we have some decent weather! Today would be an ideal day to go for a walk/run. That is it would be if Stephen hadn't gone to the great yorkshire show with my mum. That means no babysitter so I'm grounded.
How bloody annoying is that.
Still the good news is my diet has been perfect again today. I don't want to speak too soon but I do seem to be gettin back into it and finding it easier again.... just in time for me to go on holiday and it all go down the drain again.
I didn't even eat any of the chocolate pudding and ice cream I gave the children after tea despite it looking delicious and there being loads left over.
Matt wants to put me on his board as client of the month. At first I was pleased with that but then he said 'I'll bring my camera tomorrow' WHAT!!!!!! I don't want my photo taking in the gym in my awful gym clothes and no make up and hair fastened back looking all akward because I'm stood having my photo taken like that and sober and then it putting up for everyone to see!
I have about 250 photos of me on facebook (mostly ones I either didn't know were being taken or have no memory of being taken due to alcohol) and I'm hoping he will agree to use one of those instead.
Added at 6.45pm. Well now it is absolutely throwing it down (that always makes me think of Mollie who always said 'it's throwing itself down') so I feel better about being stuck in the house.
How bloody annoying is that.
Still the good news is my diet has been perfect again today. I don't want to speak too soon but I do seem to be gettin back into it and finding it easier again.... just in time for me to go on holiday and it all go down the drain again.
I didn't even eat any of the chocolate pudding and ice cream I gave the children after tea despite it looking delicious and there being loads left over.
Matt wants to put me on his board as client of the month. At first I was pleased with that but then he said 'I'll bring my camera tomorrow' WHAT!!!!!! I don't want my photo taking in the gym in my awful gym clothes and no make up and hair fastened back looking all akward because I'm stood having my photo taken like that and sober and then it putting up for everyone to see!
I have about 250 photos of me on facebook (mostly ones I either didn't know were being taken or have no memory of being taken due to alcohol) and I'm hoping he will agree to use one of those instead.
Added at 6.45pm. Well now it is absolutely throwing it down (that always makes me think of Mollie who always said 'it's throwing itself down') so I feel better about being stuck in the house.
Wednesday 9 July 2008
Good Day
I've had a much better day today, a very good day actually (could be that the pmt has passed)
I have stuck to my diet, in fact I haven't had all my snacks because I've been out and it hasn't bothered me. I took Cody into the cafe for lunch after we went swimming at Huddersfield sports centre but I didn't use it as an excuse to eat the most delicious sounding, fattiest thing on the menu. I checked what I was supposed to be having before we left, jacket potatoe and baked beans and it was on the menu so I had it and enjoyed it.
Then I went to the gym for my spinning session with Matt and worked really really hard. I think that is the hardest session I have ever had at the gym.
I told Matt that when I get down to 14 stone I will have another go at a spinning class. Matt looked a bit uneasy when I said that and I'm not suprised, I'm wondering if I'm going to regret saying that. The last time I attempted a spinning class wasn't exactly successful.
I was going to copy my initial post about it from the join me forum but having gone back and read it all there is just too much. There is about 2 pages of me going into complete melt down and everyone else trying to talk me round or persuaid me to at least not do anything (like quit training with matt and quit the gym and give up completely) whilst upset and wait until tomorrow. Hell it's a good job I have patient friends.
Matt had been trying to persuaid me to do a class for a while but I had kept saying no because i hadn't done one since before I had put the weight on years and years before and I was really nervous and self concious. i eventually agreed to go to a spinning class on Thursday night. I told Matt I would come and checked the time on the board the day before and it was 7pm.
I arrived early and sat in my car for a while because I was so scared. I felt sick I was so nervous. When I went in and went round to the room it was already going on. It was still before 7. i was stood there unsure what to do when Matt started shouting me to go in over the mic he was wearing. That was really awful, having to walk in, after it had started, with all attention drawn to me. I just wanted to run away.
I got on a bike and looked at it and didn't have a clue what to do, I couldn't make out anything Matt was saying because it was so loud. Everyone else was doing things all at the same time and obviously knew what they were doing. I was just sat there slowly peddling feeling like an idiot. After a couple of minutes I quickly got off the bike and left the room. I felt so humiliated and like my worst fears of going to a class hadn't been bad enough.
I went out, sat in my car and cried until I had calmed down enough to drive. Then I went home and continued to spend all evening and much of the night crying and decided there was no point. I was giving up. It was too hard and I just wasn't cut out for it. I wasn't like the other people in that class and I was just fooling myself.
In my mind the worst of it was that Matt had told me I could do it, he knew I was going, he knew how nervous I was and yet he had started the class early and then shouted me over the mic.
I sent him a text cancelling all further sessions, and also in response to his texts asking what was wrong got quite stroppy with him.
Anyway as always joinees got me sorted and persuided me to backtrack and at least go back once more. One made me laugh, whilst getting so many posts on the forum, private messages, emails, texts, all very sympathetic I got one phone call, from Jamie. He simply said 'He fucked up, he's human, give the bloke a break'
All wasn't how it seemed though as I found out when I went back. Apparently the time on the board was wrong. The class started at 6.45 and Matt thought he had told me that.
I also came to realise that much like the other day I also had PMT when that happened.
Since then we have had a couple of one on one spinning classes and he has shown me how to use the bike and what happens in a class. He says that before I do a class he will do a class with me exactly the same so I know exactly what to expect. (he also added that when I do go into a class he is going to lock the door behind me)
I am very tired. I'm looking forward to sleep tonight.
I have stuck to my diet, in fact I haven't had all my snacks because I've been out and it hasn't bothered me. I took Cody into the cafe for lunch after we went swimming at Huddersfield sports centre but I didn't use it as an excuse to eat the most delicious sounding, fattiest thing on the menu. I checked what I was supposed to be having before we left, jacket potatoe and baked beans and it was on the menu so I had it and enjoyed it.
Then I went to the gym for my spinning session with Matt and worked really really hard. I think that is the hardest session I have ever had at the gym.
I told Matt that when I get down to 14 stone I will have another go at a spinning class. Matt looked a bit uneasy when I said that and I'm not suprised, I'm wondering if I'm going to regret saying that. The last time I attempted a spinning class wasn't exactly successful.
I was going to copy my initial post about it from the join me forum but having gone back and read it all there is just too much. There is about 2 pages of me going into complete melt down and everyone else trying to talk me round or persuaid me to at least not do anything (like quit training with matt and quit the gym and give up completely) whilst upset and wait until tomorrow. Hell it's a good job I have patient friends.
Matt had been trying to persuaid me to do a class for a while but I had kept saying no because i hadn't done one since before I had put the weight on years and years before and I was really nervous and self concious. i eventually agreed to go to a spinning class on Thursday night. I told Matt I would come and checked the time on the board the day before and it was 7pm.
I arrived early and sat in my car for a while because I was so scared. I felt sick I was so nervous. When I went in and went round to the room it was already going on. It was still before 7. i was stood there unsure what to do when Matt started shouting me to go in over the mic he was wearing. That was really awful, having to walk in, after it had started, with all attention drawn to me. I just wanted to run away.
I got on a bike and looked at it and didn't have a clue what to do, I couldn't make out anything Matt was saying because it was so loud. Everyone else was doing things all at the same time and obviously knew what they were doing. I was just sat there slowly peddling feeling like an idiot. After a couple of minutes I quickly got off the bike and left the room. I felt so humiliated and like my worst fears of going to a class hadn't been bad enough.
I went out, sat in my car and cried until I had calmed down enough to drive. Then I went home and continued to spend all evening and much of the night crying and decided there was no point. I was giving up. It was too hard and I just wasn't cut out for it. I wasn't like the other people in that class and I was just fooling myself.
In my mind the worst of it was that Matt had told me I could do it, he knew I was going, he knew how nervous I was and yet he had started the class early and then shouted me over the mic.
I sent him a text cancelling all further sessions, and also in response to his texts asking what was wrong got quite stroppy with him.
Anyway as always joinees got me sorted and persuided me to backtrack and at least go back once more. One made me laugh, whilst getting so many posts on the forum, private messages, emails, texts, all very sympathetic I got one phone call, from Jamie. He simply said 'He fucked up, he's human, give the bloke a break'
All wasn't how it seemed though as I found out when I went back. Apparently the time on the board was wrong. The class started at 6.45 and Matt thought he had told me that.
I also came to realise that much like the other day I also had PMT when that happened.
Since then we have had a couple of one on one spinning classes and he has shown me how to use the bike and what happens in a class. He says that before I do a class he will do a class with me exactly the same so I know exactly what to expect. (he also added that when I do go into a class he is going to lock the door behind me)
I am very tired. I'm looking forward to sleep tonight.
outch!
Worked bloody hard at the gym yesterday (not that Matt gave me a choice) and was really tired all day afterwords, couldn't stop yawning.
Today I ache and I have another session with Matt later, spinning this time. I don't expect to be able to move this afternoon or tomorrow.
Today I ache and I have another session with Matt later, spinning this time. I don't expect to be able to move this afternoon or tomorrow.
Monday 7 July 2008
Bad day
I'm totally fed up today. I shouldn't be though. I have stuck to my diet and I've been to the gym and worked of almost 500 cals according to my heart rate monitor.
But I feel really crap. I've put on so much weight I just feel like I'm heading back to where I was. I'm on my way back to being that 21 stone woman again. I've started noticing things that are a consequence of my size that haven't been there for ages but are coming back.
This morning I was looking in the mirror and thinking actually my skin doesn't look that bad and maybe it won't be as saggy as I was thinking it would be when I've finished losing weight. Then I realised the reason it's looking better and not as saggy is because I've put weight back on.
When I went to the gym I felt like I used to, really self conscious and uneasy. I just felt like I wanted to cry the whole time I was there.
And now I just want to eat, and I still want to cry. I feel like there is no point and I may as well just give up. I'm not going to. Not yet but if I carry on like this there really is no point.
After I'd typed this I thought the way I'm feeling could be a bit ott so I got out my diary and worked out where in my cycle I would be if it wasn't for depo... and yeah, that does pretty much explain it.
What is the point to an injection that gets rid of your periods if you are still going to get pmt? Yes I know it is supposed to be a contraceptive and the lack of periods is just a side effect but still...
But I feel really crap. I've put on so much weight I just feel like I'm heading back to where I was. I'm on my way back to being that 21 stone woman again. I've started noticing things that are a consequence of my size that haven't been there for ages but are coming back.
This morning I was looking in the mirror and thinking actually my skin doesn't look that bad and maybe it won't be as saggy as I was thinking it would be when I've finished losing weight. Then I realised the reason it's looking better and not as saggy is because I've put weight back on.
When I went to the gym I felt like I used to, really self conscious and uneasy. I just felt like I wanted to cry the whole time I was there.
And now I just want to eat, and I still want to cry. I feel like there is no point and I may as well just give up. I'm not going to. Not yet but if I carry on like this there really is no point.
After I'd typed this I thought the way I'm feeling could be a bit ott so I got out my diary and worked out where in my cycle I would be if it wasn't for depo... and yeah, that does pretty much explain it.
What is the point to an injection that gets rid of your periods if you are still going to get pmt? Yes I know it is supposed to be a contraceptive and the lack of periods is just a side effect but still...
Sunday 6 July 2008
Not so bad
Actually thinking about it, it's not so bad. As long as i really do get straight back on track and do lose weight it's not really so bad that I've been bad for a couple of days.
The reason i say that is now that I'm on the depo provera injection i don't have 3 or 4 days every 3weeks and 4 days where I can't do anything and eat like a pig like I have always done, including when I managed to lose weight before.
So if I stick to it I will deffinately be doing better than before so what's a couple of days?
The reason i say that is now that I'm on the depo provera injection i don't have 3 or 4 days every 3weeks and 4 days where I can't do anything and eat like a pig like I have always done, including when I managed to lose weight before.
So if I stick to it I will deffinately be doing better than before so what's a couple of days?
the weekend
I'm not exactly treating my body as a temple this weekend but then yesterday was the day I was allowed to eat anything and I did go to a party. I got very drunk and ate loads of bad things.
I've not exactly been good today but not too bad. I'm too tired to be bothered. During the few hours I was actually in bed i didn't sleep for much of it. It was so damn hot but then I suppose that is what you get for packing so many bodys into a small room. And then I got heartburn, i know it serves me right for all the bad food and drink.
Then I get up at the crack of dawn to drive back home from Liverpool because my mum who was babysitting was going somewhere and when I get in she casually says 'oh I've decided not to go now' thanks for that mum, never heard of telephones?
Anyway the result is I'm really really tired and just can't be bothered, and I feel sick and have stomache ache.
Back to it tomorrow.
I've not exactly been good today but not too bad. I'm too tired to be bothered. During the few hours I was actually in bed i didn't sleep for much of it. It was so damn hot but then I suppose that is what you get for packing so many bodys into a small room. And then I got heartburn, i know it serves me right for all the bad food and drink.
Then I get up at the crack of dawn to drive back home from Liverpool because my mum who was babysitting was going somewhere and when I get in she casually says 'oh I've decided not to go now' thanks for that mum, never heard of telephones?
Anyway the result is I'm really really tired and just can't be bothered, and I feel sick and have stomache ache.
Back to it tomorrow.
Friday 4 July 2008
evil food
The main reason I started this blog was to help me continue with what I'm trying to do. I'm really stuggling. The lowest weight I have got to is 14 7 and that was last september. since then I have gradually put weight back on and I am now 15 stone 4pounds. I have kept losing some and putting it back on again.
I know that I really need to get this sorted now. I did the race for life this size no problem. I know i can do the great north run while I am this size because I always said I wasn't bothered if I walked or ran it and I know I can walk it as I walked 13 miles on Monday.
But the London marathon in 2010, that's a different matter. I have set myself a target of running the whole thing. I can not do that at the size I am now and it isn't just a case of losing the weight before the marathon as I need to train. If I am going to train properly and in time to be able to achieve this I need to lose the weight now.
Yesterday I thought typing that first post on my blog was good incentive, remembering where it all started and my reasons for doing it but then today I've done it again. i was fine up until I started making tea. I'm making a lasagne and I was day dreaming as i was grating the cheese. I suddenly realised I had grated too much so what do I do? I butter a slice of bread and make a cheese sandwich and eat it. and then it is like oh well I've messed up now what difference is a ryevita covered in inch thick butter going to make?
I'm a bleeding idiot!
I'm sure the food talks to me and goads me into eating it - it's evil.
Anyway I really need to stop making excuses, I've done it before, I lost 7 stone. I know how hard it is but I can do it and I need to do it again now!
I know that I really need to get this sorted now. I did the race for life this size no problem. I know i can do the great north run while I am this size because I always said I wasn't bothered if I walked or ran it and I know I can walk it as I walked 13 miles on Monday.
But the London marathon in 2010, that's a different matter. I have set myself a target of running the whole thing. I can not do that at the size I am now and it isn't just a case of losing the weight before the marathon as I need to train. If I am going to train properly and in time to be able to achieve this I need to lose the weight now.
Yesterday I thought typing that first post on my blog was good incentive, remembering where it all started and my reasons for doing it but then today I've done it again. i was fine up until I started making tea. I'm making a lasagne and I was day dreaming as i was grating the cheese. I suddenly realised I had grated too much so what do I do? I butter a slice of bread and make a cheese sandwich and eat it. and then it is like oh well I've messed up now what difference is a ryevita covered in inch thick butter going to make?
I'm a bleeding idiot!
I'm sure the food talks to me and goads me into eating it - it's evil.
Anyway I really need to stop making excuses, I've done it before, I lost 7 stone. I know how hard it is but I can do it and I need to do it again now!
Thursday 3 July 2008
The story so far
It all really started in 2005, I was in a bad way. I was 21stone and as a result I did very little and spent most of my time sat on the sofa watching TV. I tried to tell myself, and others, that my weight didn’t affect things in particular how I cared for the children placed with me as a foster carer but of course it did. I couldn’t do anything.
I did take them places but was always a spectator and when we went places that involved me walking I was soon exhausted and grumpy and often on the verge of tears because I couldn’t cope. In fact I now realise thinking back (and watching home videos) I was often grumpy because everything in just the day to day life was so difficult.
I watched one video recently of Christmas 2005. It is particularly telling if you watch it at high speed. All that activity, people standing up, sitting down moving backwards and forwards across the room, going in and out of the room. And through it all I never move, I stay glued to my spot on the sofa. I also noticed how well trained the children were too. What ever I needed they fetched, if they needed something doing, they came to me. At one point I knocked a box over so it was just out of reach (which wasn’t far as I couldn’t bend because of the size of my stomach) and immediately one of the children said ’I’ll get it for you Helen’
It is hard to believe that I honestly didn’t realise any of this at the time and really thought that my size made no difference to how I cared for the children.
I also never went out. I don’t mean I rarely went out. I actually mean I never went out. It was too much effort and I was so self conscious and embarrassed of myself. I spent most of my time on the internet. More often than not arguing with people because I was so insecure and emotional and unhappy.
If what happened next hadn’t have happened I can imagine the way my life would have gone. More of the same, I would have continued to stay routed to the sofa eating and got bigger and bigger until dying an early death probably weighing 30 stone or more.
In the summer of 2005 I got ill. I occasionally had a night were I was in intense pain. It would start with feeling uncomfortable and gradually increase until my entire body was wracked in agony. I have never known pain like it. It usually lasted about 7 hours and then it would ease off but I would be left feeling ’wobbly’ and unwell for a couple of days. I did nothing for a long time because like everything I put it down to my size and thought if I went to a doctor I would just be told to lose weight.
The ’attacks’ got gradually more and more frequent and at the end of November I phoned the NHS direct in tears from the pain in the middle of the night. After asking me some questions the said I needed to go to hospital and sent an ambulance.
After being examined, blood taken and being asked a million questions a doctor came to see me with some morphine. I love that doctor. It is the first time I have ever had morphine and was astounded with how well and how quickly it worked. Within moments the pain was completely gone. I don’t think there is any better feeling than not having any pain after your entire body being wracked in pain for hours.
I was told that my liver count was raised and they were admitting me to do further tests. I was kept in for 2 days. They took a lot of blood, I started to get quite annoyed thinking “why couldn’t they take all they needed in one go?” And different people kept coming and asking me all the same questions. Have I been abroad? When and which countries? Have I ever injected drugs? Have I ever had a blood transfusion? Etc.
Then someone told me they were going to test for hepatitis, I just said ‘ok’ as I didn’t really know what it was and was just thinking if that is what they think is wrong with me of course they should test for it.
Not long after a doctor came to my bed, drew the curtains round and said she needed to make sure I realised the implications of what they were testing for as she didn’t think I understood the seriousness. After having said that she then got very evasive. She didn’t really tell me anything other than I wouldn’t be able to get travel insurance and would probably lose my job as a foster carer. I tried asking questions but she just didn’t answer how you get it and when I tried to establish what would happen she just said if the test was positive they would do a biopsy of my liver but then wouldn’t say any more than that.
I was then discharged from hospital with an appointment to go back in a week for the test results. I went home very confused and really more clueless than I had been before the doctor spoke to me so I did something that is widely accepted you should never do with a medical condition. I did an internet search.
I ended up on a site with a very official sounding name though I have since discovered it is definitely not official and isn’t much more than scare mongering. Within 5 minutes of starting reading I was in tears and hysterical thinking I was going to die… and soon. I also seemed to have all the symptoms it said and also realised it had probably been lying dormant since before I had my son and he probably had it and was going to die too.
Luckily I have good friends who did a good job of calming me down but still I was convinced I had it and convinced I was going to die. A week can be a very long time and you would be surprised how much you can think about in a week, well pretty much your entire life really.
Everything they say about what you think about and what does and doesn’t matter when you know (or think you know in my case) you are going to die is true. Money and possessions didn’t matter a jot. Other than that I had a loan without payment protection and I was worried about my son ending up with the debt.
What I really thought about more than anything else that week was how I had wasted my life and all the missed opportunities. I realised that my life was absolutely full of missed opportunities and I regretted every one of them, every time I had been too scared, too fat, too unhealthy, too self conscious or just said no because I seemed to be used to saying no. I regretted what I had done to my body, when I had had the opportunity to be fit and healthy I had chosen to wreck my body and make myself incapable of so much. I had made myself ill and unhealthy when I hadn’t had to be and that just suddenly seemed so shocking and an appalling waste.
In that week I made the decision and told people that if by some miracle the test result was negative and I got a second chance I would make the most of it. I would make the most of every minute of my life from that moment on. I would make up for every single missed opportunity in my life, I would go back and do them all, I wouldn’t miss any more opportunities. When opportunities come my way I would grasp them with both hands unless there is a real and good reason not to. And most of all, I’m going to fix and look after my body. NO MORE EXCUSESS OR PUTTING IT OFF. I would lose all of the excess weight and get fit and healthy. In fact If I don’t have hepatitis I will run the race for life in 2008.
That was something unthinkable, really a huge unimaginable goal. At that time I could hardly move. Although I was serious and meant it I really couldn’t bring myself to really believe I would do it.
The week passed and I went back to the hospital for the test results. You guessed it, it was negative. I didn’t have hepatitis. After more tests and scans and things it was established I had gall stones. Incredibly painful but not particularly dangerous.
You would think that would be enough but apparently not. Fate or whatever decided the point needed ramming home. Usually a morbidly obese patient wouldn’t be operated on for gall stones, they would be expected to lose weight first and that is how it started with me. I was doing well. The knowledge that eating anything with fat in could result in you being in a&e in agony begging for morphine is quite an incentive not to eat it.
Unfortunately because of the frequency and intensity of my attacks (the final straw was when I was in a&e 3 times in a week) they decided to do the operation as an emergency. I was well aware of the risks of an operation whilst morbidly obese (they call it morbidly obese for a reason) and I was genuinely scared I wouldn’t wake up from the operation.
I did though, obviously and thought it was finally all over I now just had to wait to heal and then could get on with my plans to make the most of life. But apparently even thinking I was going to die twice wasn’t enough.
Several members of my family have a little problem, resistances to various medications. Mainly local Anaesthetic but also anti biotics. I’m not completely resistant to it but it usually takes more than one course to get the upper hand.
I was left with a surgical infection after the operation and was put on anti biotics. By this time I was back home and the anti biotics were obviously not working. I was in worse and worse pain each day. I phoned the nurse at my gp’s and was told I hadn’t given them chance to work so I did as I was told and waited. A couple of days later my mum came over, saw how much pain I was in and phoned for the doctor to come out.
Whilst we were waiting I went to the bathroom. I bent over and what happened next was horrific. The wound coming out of my tummy button with 6 staples in it burst open and stuff started oozing out, through all the dressings and was just running everywhere. It was a sort of dark red brown and I thought it was blood. The quantity and speed it was coming out of me truly terrified me. I was screaming for my mum to phone 999 whilst thinking ‘I won’t last long enough for the ambulance to get here’
For the third time I thought I was going to die only this time I thought I had moments.
Luckily just after my mum had phoned for an ambulance the doctor she had phoned earlier arrived and he was fantastic, so kind and reassuring and told me that it wasn’t as alarming as it seemed, it was actually just the infection that was coming out and it needed to come out. I would be ok.
What followed when I arrived at hospital is an experience I never want to repeat. I was initially told I would be taken back to theatre to have the staples removed from the infected wound. I was told not to worry, they never do that with a conscious patient. Then when the doctor came round to see me he said they would take them out on the ward.
Up on the ward I told a nurse this and she said no she thought I must have it wrong, they wouldn’t do that don’t worry but she was wrong. It turns out the doctor didn’t want to risk putting my under for a second time because of my size. They gave me an injection of Tramadol (which made no difference) and then removed the staples from the infected wound while I was conscious. Each and every one was it’s own individual nightmare. I thought it was never going to end.
Following this I had a month of laying in bed being visited daily by district nurses while the wound healed without the aid of staples (though the infection cleared up after being put on very strong anti biotics).
By the end of this I was so sick of being ill and incapable and unhealthy it really reinforced the decisions I had already made. I just wanted to do things, everything, start the plans I had made 7 months before but hadn’t been able to start because of my health. The day the health visitor gave me the all clear (17th June 2006) and told me I could resume my normal life and she didn’t have to come back again I felt like I could do cartwheels.
I wasted no time and the summer of 2006 was very busy and much fun. Unfortunately my new lifestyle of making up for missed opportunities and not missing any more didn’t fit too well with losing weight and getting fit. Too many holidays and parties. As a result I stopped losing weight. I knew how it always goes, how it has always gone in the past, I lose some weight, my determination goes, I gradually give up and put more weight back on than I lost.
I was scared I was going to do this again so I did something I would never have thought I would ever do. I hired a personal trainer. I have now been training with matt for just under 2 years and my god does he make me work hard.
I lost 7 stone and got down to 14 stone 7lb and yes on 21st June 2008 I ran the race for life.
That was an incredibly emotional thing for me. I had trouble sleeping in the days leading up to it. Even though I knew I could run 5km and had in fact by that point ran 10km, this was the think I had been working towards for 2 years, this was the unobtainable goal I had set. I couldn’t believe the time was actually here and I was actually going to do it. I felt sick every time I thought about it. As we stood in the crowd of people behind the start line counting down from 10 with everyone I was fighting back the tears.
Not only did I run the whole thing as had said I would I did it in a faster time than I have ever managed to run 5km before. A fact that still baffles me considering the hills and crowds of people in the way. No idea how I managed that.
It has not been easy, over the last two years there have been plenty of drama and emotion and almost giving up and thinking ‘I can’t do it’ as well as moments of joy when I see myself in the mirror or see an old photo of myself and realise just how bad I was and how far I’ve come, the satisfaction of managing to do something I couldn’t do before. All the boxes and bin bags of clothes that were too small have all gradually gone and most of them I have got too small for and had to get rid of and move onto the next. The feeling each time I put one of those items of clothes on and it fitted is just fantastic.
But there is no pretending it is easy and it still isn’t. I still have a lot of weight to go and a long way to go with my fitness. I am now planning to do the 13 mile great north run in October and my new long term goal to aim for is the 2010 London Marathon.
If you have actually read all of that - Wow you have more stamina than I’m going to need for the London marathon.
I did take them places but was always a spectator and when we went places that involved me walking I was soon exhausted and grumpy and often on the verge of tears because I couldn’t cope. In fact I now realise thinking back (and watching home videos) I was often grumpy because everything in just the day to day life was so difficult.
I watched one video recently of Christmas 2005. It is particularly telling if you watch it at high speed. All that activity, people standing up, sitting down moving backwards and forwards across the room, going in and out of the room. And through it all I never move, I stay glued to my spot on the sofa. I also noticed how well trained the children were too. What ever I needed they fetched, if they needed something doing, they came to me. At one point I knocked a box over so it was just out of reach (which wasn’t far as I couldn’t bend because of the size of my stomach) and immediately one of the children said ’I’ll get it for you Helen’
It is hard to believe that I honestly didn’t realise any of this at the time and really thought that my size made no difference to how I cared for the children.
I also never went out. I don’t mean I rarely went out. I actually mean I never went out. It was too much effort and I was so self conscious and embarrassed of myself. I spent most of my time on the internet. More often than not arguing with people because I was so insecure and emotional and unhappy.
If what happened next hadn’t have happened I can imagine the way my life would have gone. More of the same, I would have continued to stay routed to the sofa eating and got bigger and bigger until dying an early death probably weighing 30 stone or more.
In the summer of 2005 I got ill. I occasionally had a night were I was in intense pain. It would start with feeling uncomfortable and gradually increase until my entire body was wracked in agony. I have never known pain like it. It usually lasted about 7 hours and then it would ease off but I would be left feeling ’wobbly’ and unwell for a couple of days. I did nothing for a long time because like everything I put it down to my size and thought if I went to a doctor I would just be told to lose weight.
The ’attacks’ got gradually more and more frequent and at the end of November I phoned the NHS direct in tears from the pain in the middle of the night. After asking me some questions the said I needed to go to hospital and sent an ambulance.
After being examined, blood taken and being asked a million questions a doctor came to see me with some morphine. I love that doctor. It is the first time I have ever had morphine and was astounded with how well and how quickly it worked. Within moments the pain was completely gone. I don’t think there is any better feeling than not having any pain after your entire body being wracked in pain for hours.
I was told that my liver count was raised and they were admitting me to do further tests. I was kept in for 2 days. They took a lot of blood, I started to get quite annoyed thinking “why couldn’t they take all they needed in one go?” And different people kept coming and asking me all the same questions. Have I been abroad? When and which countries? Have I ever injected drugs? Have I ever had a blood transfusion? Etc.
Then someone told me they were going to test for hepatitis, I just said ‘ok’ as I didn’t really know what it was and was just thinking if that is what they think is wrong with me of course they should test for it.
Not long after a doctor came to my bed, drew the curtains round and said she needed to make sure I realised the implications of what they were testing for as she didn’t think I understood the seriousness. After having said that she then got very evasive. She didn’t really tell me anything other than I wouldn’t be able to get travel insurance and would probably lose my job as a foster carer. I tried asking questions but she just didn’t answer how you get it and when I tried to establish what would happen she just said if the test was positive they would do a biopsy of my liver but then wouldn’t say any more than that.
I was then discharged from hospital with an appointment to go back in a week for the test results. I went home very confused and really more clueless than I had been before the doctor spoke to me so I did something that is widely accepted you should never do with a medical condition. I did an internet search.
I ended up on a site with a very official sounding name though I have since discovered it is definitely not official and isn’t much more than scare mongering. Within 5 minutes of starting reading I was in tears and hysterical thinking I was going to die… and soon. I also seemed to have all the symptoms it said and also realised it had probably been lying dormant since before I had my son and he probably had it and was going to die too.
Luckily I have good friends who did a good job of calming me down but still I was convinced I had it and convinced I was going to die. A week can be a very long time and you would be surprised how much you can think about in a week, well pretty much your entire life really.
Everything they say about what you think about and what does and doesn’t matter when you know (or think you know in my case) you are going to die is true. Money and possessions didn’t matter a jot. Other than that I had a loan without payment protection and I was worried about my son ending up with the debt.
What I really thought about more than anything else that week was how I had wasted my life and all the missed opportunities. I realised that my life was absolutely full of missed opportunities and I regretted every one of them, every time I had been too scared, too fat, too unhealthy, too self conscious or just said no because I seemed to be used to saying no. I regretted what I had done to my body, when I had had the opportunity to be fit and healthy I had chosen to wreck my body and make myself incapable of so much. I had made myself ill and unhealthy when I hadn’t had to be and that just suddenly seemed so shocking and an appalling waste.
In that week I made the decision and told people that if by some miracle the test result was negative and I got a second chance I would make the most of it. I would make the most of every minute of my life from that moment on. I would make up for every single missed opportunity in my life, I would go back and do them all, I wouldn’t miss any more opportunities. When opportunities come my way I would grasp them with both hands unless there is a real and good reason not to. And most of all, I’m going to fix and look after my body. NO MORE EXCUSESS OR PUTTING IT OFF. I would lose all of the excess weight and get fit and healthy. In fact If I don’t have hepatitis I will run the race for life in 2008.
That was something unthinkable, really a huge unimaginable goal. At that time I could hardly move. Although I was serious and meant it I really couldn’t bring myself to really believe I would do it.
The week passed and I went back to the hospital for the test results. You guessed it, it was negative. I didn’t have hepatitis. After more tests and scans and things it was established I had gall stones. Incredibly painful but not particularly dangerous.
You would think that would be enough but apparently not. Fate or whatever decided the point needed ramming home. Usually a morbidly obese patient wouldn’t be operated on for gall stones, they would be expected to lose weight first and that is how it started with me. I was doing well. The knowledge that eating anything with fat in could result in you being in a&e in agony begging for morphine is quite an incentive not to eat it.
Unfortunately because of the frequency and intensity of my attacks (the final straw was when I was in a&e 3 times in a week) they decided to do the operation as an emergency. I was well aware of the risks of an operation whilst morbidly obese (they call it morbidly obese for a reason) and I was genuinely scared I wouldn’t wake up from the operation.
I did though, obviously and thought it was finally all over I now just had to wait to heal and then could get on with my plans to make the most of life. But apparently even thinking I was going to die twice wasn’t enough.
Several members of my family have a little problem, resistances to various medications. Mainly local Anaesthetic but also anti biotics. I’m not completely resistant to it but it usually takes more than one course to get the upper hand.
I was left with a surgical infection after the operation and was put on anti biotics. By this time I was back home and the anti biotics were obviously not working. I was in worse and worse pain each day. I phoned the nurse at my gp’s and was told I hadn’t given them chance to work so I did as I was told and waited. A couple of days later my mum came over, saw how much pain I was in and phoned for the doctor to come out.
Whilst we were waiting I went to the bathroom. I bent over and what happened next was horrific. The wound coming out of my tummy button with 6 staples in it burst open and stuff started oozing out, through all the dressings and was just running everywhere. It was a sort of dark red brown and I thought it was blood. The quantity and speed it was coming out of me truly terrified me. I was screaming for my mum to phone 999 whilst thinking ‘I won’t last long enough for the ambulance to get here’
For the third time I thought I was going to die only this time I thought I had moments.
Luckily just after my mum had phoned for an ambulance the doctor she had phoned earlier arrived and he was fantastic, so kind and reassuring and told me that it wasn’t as alarming as it seemed, it was actually just the infection that was coming out and it needed to come out. I would be ok.
What followed when I arrived at hospital is an experience I never want to repeat. I was initially told I would be taken back to theatre to have the staples removed from the infected wound. I was told not to worry, they never do that with a conscious patient. Then when the doctor came round to see me he said they would take them out on the ward.
Up on the ward I told a nurse this and she said no she thought I must have it wrong, they wouldn’t do that don’t worry but she was wrong. It turns out the doctor didn’t want to risk putting my under for a second time because of my size. They gave me an injection of Tramadol (which made no difference) and then removed the staples from the infected wound while I was conscious. Each and every one was it’s own individual nightmare. I thought it was never going to end.
Following this I had a month of laying in bed being visited daily by district nurses while the wound healed without the aid of staples (though the infection cleared up after being put on very strong anti biotics).
By the end of this I was so sick of being ill and incapable and unhealthy it really reinforced the decisions I had already made. I just wanted to do things, everything, start the plans I had made 7 months before but hadn’t been able to start because of my health. The day the health visitor gave me the all clear (17th June 2006) and told me I could resume my normal life and she didn’t have to come back again I felt like I could do cartwheels.
I wasted no time and the summer of 2006 was very busy and much fun. Unfortunately my new lifestyle of making up for missed opportunities and not missing any more didn’t fit too well with losing weight and getting fit. Too many holidays and parties. As a result I stopped losing weight. I knew how it always goes, how it has always gone in the past, I lose some weight, my determination goes, I gradually give up and put more weight back on than I lost.
I was scared I was going to do this again so I did something I would never have thought I would ever do. I hired a personal trainer. I have now been training with matt for just under 2 years and my god does he make me work hard.
I lost 7 stone and got down to 14 stone 7lb and yes on 21st June 2008 I ran the race for life.
That was an incredibly emotional thing for me. I had trouble sleeping in the days leading up to it. Even though I knew I could run 5km and had in fact by that point ran 10km, this was the think I had been working towards for 2 years, this was the unobtainable goal I had set. I couldn’t believe the time was actually here and I was actually going to do it. I felt sick every time I thought about it. As we stood in the crowd of people behind the start line counting down from 10 with everyone I was fighting back the tears.
Not only did I run the whole thing as had said I would I did it in a faster time than I have ever managed to run 5km before. A fact that still baffles me considering the hills and crowds of people in the way. No idea how I managed that.
It has not been easy, over the last two years there have been plenty of drama and emotion and almost giving up and thinking ‘I can’t do it’ as well as moments of joy when I see myself in the mirror or see an old photo of myself and realise just how bad I was and how far I’ve come, the satisfaction of managing to do something I couldn’t do before. All the boxes and bin bags of clothes that were too small have all gradually gone and most of them I have got too small for and had to get rid of and move onto the next. The feeling each time I put one of those items of clothes on and it fitted is just fantastic.
But there is no pretending it is easy and it still isn’t. I still have a lot of weight to go and a long way to go with my fitness. I am now planning to do the 13 mile great north run in October and my new long term goal to aim for is the 2010 London Marathon.
If you have actually read all of that - Wow you have more stamina than I’m going to need for the London marathon.
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