I shouldn't have gone to RPM. I felt dreadful, it was horrible. I wanted to throw up. Really really thirsty too. First time I have run out of water during RPM and the bottle was full at the beinning. I have a salty taste in my mouth today.
That wasn't the worst thing though. Yes it was tough, I felt ill and really struggled but the thing is during RPM my mind tends to wonder even though it is such hard work. Up until then I had managed to not really think about what it means. I was just thinking about the fact that I felt crap.
I've started taking the tablets the doctor gave me.
Monday 28 September 2009
Medical Problems
Phoned for test results on Friday and they had come back normal so now I'm waiting for my scan appointment but today after a 5week long period then a week off it has started again. And this time with really bad period pains. Worse than I've had in quite a while.
Friday 25 September 2009
reason not to worry
Just thought I'd say because it sort of relates to what me and Michelle have been talking about in the comments, another reason I'm being a bit more chilled about my slow weight loss is that at the moment I don't know what is going on with my body.
There is deffinitely something wrong. The symptoms are tangable and not within my control so there is no doubt there is something and it is being investigated but as yet we don't know what it is. It might turn out to be, hopefully, something really trivial but the point is it is silly stressing about anything my body is doing including the weight loss well we have no idea what is wrong with me and wether or not it is affecting my weight.
I have a good doctor though who is covering all the bases and checking everything out to find out what is going on. I have to phone today for the results from some tests and I'm waiting for an appointment to come through to go to the hospital for a scan.
There is deffinitely something wrong. The symptoms are tangable and not within my control so there is no doubt there is something and it is being investigated but as yet we don't know what it is. It might turn out to be, hopefully, something really trivial but the point is it is silly stressing about anything my body is doing including the weight loss well we have no idea what is wrong with me and wether or not it is affecting my weight.
I have a good doctor though who is covering all the bases and checking everything out to find out what is going on. I have to phone today for the results from some tests and I'm waiting for an appointment to come through to go to the hospital for a scan.
Wednesday 23 September 2009
The end
i couldn't get weighed on the usual scales. Matt said they are away being fixed but to be honest I don't believe him. It's not unusual for him to be ecconomical with the truth and I think he just didn't want to weigh me in case I hadn't lost weight again. I suggested he weigh me on the ones with the slidy scale in the gym and he agreed but didn't seem happy about it, I don't really know how you use them Matt told me I'm 15st 11lb. Wether that's true or accurate I don't know.
Crap way to end the 6 weeks. anyway if it is right that means I have lost 1st 5lb in total. I'm having a couple of days off and have eaten loads of junk but will be getting back to healthy eating and exercising daily soon. I will be going to RPM tomorrow anyway.
Photos - Here are the photos of me at the start, 3 weeks and at 6 weeks. If you can see any difference you are doing better than me. i really thought I could see a difference in myself in the mirror but looking at these photos I think I was just fooling myself.
Monday 21 September 2009
Doctors again
that was horrible but at least it is over with. Examination done, everything looks fine. Swabs taken, results on Friday. Referal for scan sent to hospital, should get appointment in a few weeks.
Saturday 19 September 2009
speak like a pirate day
Ahoy me mateys! it be speak like a pirate day so it is.
If those dastardly scales don't say I've lost weight on Tuesday I be keelhauling that scurvy dog of a trainer.
Shiver me timbers!!
If those dastardly scales don't say I've lost weight on Tuesday I be keelhauling that scurvy dog of a trainer.
Shiver me timbers!!
Thursday 17 September 2009
Almost at the end.
Thought I had better say that I'm not still in a strop. I haven't posted since because, well frankly I couldn't be bothered. :-)
After my last post a friend send me a lovely message that calmed me down somewhat but also started me thinking about my blog and my weightloss and why I'm doing all this.
I went back and read my very first post which I haven't read or thought about in such a long time. I got very emotional reading it. Remembering everything, what life was like before, what it was like thinking I was going to die and I cried buckets reading the bit about the race for life, remembering just how big a deal that was for me. Really was one of the most major mile stones in my life. What it felt like to achieve that.
By the time I finished reading I had realised that I can't stop, I can't give in and go back to how I was, even if I continue to do terribly I have to carry on for all the same reasons I decided to do it in the first place.
If you've never read that first post here's the link http://yorkshirepud-runfatgirlrun.blogspot.com/2008/07/story-so-far.html
I really can't carry on like I have been doing though. That is no way to live life. I am going to continue to exercise when this is over though not to the same extent. Maybe an hour a day or something. i am going to continue to have a healthy diet and as long as I'm doing that and know I'm living a healthy lifestyle then I'm not going to stress about it.
If I live like that and never lose another pound well then I never lose another pound. I am what I am and wasting my life getting upset and stressing about it won't help.
After my last post a friend send me a lovely message that calmed me down somewhat but also started me thinking about my blog and my weightloss and why I'm doing all this.
I went back and read my very first post which I haven't read or thought about in such a long time. I got very emotional reading it. Remembering everything, what life was like before, what it was like thinking I was going to die and I cried buckets reading the bit about the race for life, remembering just how big a deal that was for me. Really was one of the most major mile stones in my life. What it felt like to achieve that.
By the time I finished reading I had realised that I can't stop, I can't give in and go back to how I was, even if I continue to do terribly I have to carry on for all the same reasons I decided to do it in the first place.
If you've never read that first post here's the link http://yorkshirepud-runfatgirlrun.blogspot.com/2008/07/story-so-far.html
I really can't carry on like I have been doing though. That is no way to live life. I am going to continue to exercise when this is over though not to the same extent. Maybe an hour a day or something. i am going to continue to have a healthy diet and as long as I'm doing that and know I'm living a healthy lifestyle then I'm not going to stress about it.
If I live like that and never lose another pound well then I never lose another pound. I am what I am and wasting my life getting upset and stressing about it won't help.
Monday 14 September 2009
weigh in
I've put on a pound. I am now 16st 1lb.
On saturday I had fried chicken and chips for lunch at paintballing as there was no choice. I also had 1 malibu and lemonade at the pub after before going onto the diet coke.
Of course the fact that I also burned off 1800 cal paintballing that day is irrelivant isn't it. Also the fact that I'd worked damn hard every day that week and had eaten between 1200 and 1500 cal a day doesn't matter does it.
Even on my rest day I went to the trafford center so spent the day walking up and down. When it turned out the people I was meeting for lunch were going to be really late and I was very hungry so I said I would just get a snack and we would have lunch when we got there I could have easily got a cookie from one of the stalls or a packet of crisps from somewhere or something in a coffee shop but I didn't. i spent ages walking up and down the damn place searching for something healthy and eventually found they sold fruit in the selfridges food hall by which time it was almost time to meet people for lunch anyway.
But none of that matters does it.
I can't keep doing this for nothing. Working so damn hard at a losing battle where it is impossible for me to make a difference. I've told Matt today I'm thinking of giving up and I'm going to give it a month but to be honest I don't feel like giving it a month. At the moment I just want to give up now and accept the inevitable.
On saturday I had fried chicken and chips for lunch at paintballing as there was no choice. I also had 1 malibu and lemonade at the pub after before going onto the diet coke.
Of course the fact that I also burned off 1800 cal paintballing that day is irrelivant isn't it. Also the fact that I'd worked damn hard every day that week and had eaten between 1200 and 1500 cal a day doesn't matter does it.
Even on my rest day I went to the trafford center so spent the day walking up and down. When it turned out the people I was meeting for lunch were going to be really late and I was very hungry so I said I would just get a snack and we would have lunch when we got there I could have easily got a cookie from one of the stalls or a packet of crisps from somewhere or something in a coffee shop but I didn't. i spent ages walking up and down the damn place searching for something healthy and eventually found they sold fruit in the selfridges food hall by which time it was almost time to meet people for lunch anyway.
But none of that matters does it.
I can't keep doing this for nothing. Working so damn hard at a losing battle where it is impossible for me to make a difference. I've told Matt today I'm thinking of giving up and I'm going to give it a month but to be honest I don't feel like giving it a month. At the moment I just want to give up now and accept the inevitable.
doctors
I kept my appointment this morning. He seemed very suprised when he looked at my chart 'All these days?' I said 'yes that's why I was worried it wasn't going to end'
He has prescribed me some tablets that he says will lighten my period. I'm not so sure about that. I don't need them to be lighter I need them to be shorter. They aren't heavy, in fact the way it is now they are at no point as heavy as they used to be when they lasted a normal length of time. Anyway I'll take them and see what happens.
I also have another appointment for him and the nurse for an internal examination which he says I should keep wether I'm on my period or not, which seems pretty gross to me. But the appointment is for next monday so there is a pretty good chance that I still won't be on my period at that point. I hope not.
He has prescribed me some tablets that he says will lighten my period. I'm not so sure about that. I don't need them to be lighter I need them to be shorter. They aren't heavy, in fact the way it is now they are at no point as heavy as they used to be when they lasted a normal length of time. Anyway I'll take them and see what happens.
I also have another appointment for him and the nurse for an internal examination which he says I should keep wether I'm on my period or not, which seems pretty gross to me. But the appointment is for next monday so there is a pretty good chance that I still won't be on my period at that point. I hope not.
Sunday 13 September 2009
Doctors appointment!
I don't flipping believe this.
a few month ago I went to the doctor and he told me to make an appointment with him and the nurse for an internal examination. I did that but then my period came on and I had to cancel it. After that it was on off on off which was mainly what I had gone to the doctor about.
Then it was on for over a month. Finally last Monday I thought I can't keep on waiting for it to end to make the appointment, it just isn't ending so phoned to make an appointment to go back and see the doctor. They couldn't fit me in for a week and gave me an appointment for tomorrow.
Today my period stopped! fantastic timing eh?
Now do I cancel my appointment and rebook one for the doc and the nurse as I was originally supposed to be doing or do I keep the appointment tomorow morning just with the doc. If I cancel and rebook it will probably be another week and who knows if I'll be on or off by then and I could go on forever cancelling and booking appointments.
But I also feel silly going back and saying I made an appointment to see you as I couldn't do as you said because of my period but it's stopped now.
Flipping heck. I don't know what to do.
a few month ago I went to the doctor and he told me to make an appointment with him and the nurse for an internal examination. I did that but then my period came on and I had to cancel it. After that it was on off on off which was mainly what I had gone to the doctor about.
Then it was on for over a month. Finally last Monday I thought I can't keep on waiting for it to end to make the appointment, it just isn't ending so phoned to make an appointment to go back and see the doctor. They couldn't fit me in for a week and gave me an appointment for tomorrow.
Today my period stopped! fantastic timing eh?
Now do I cancel my appointment and rebook one for the doc and the nurse as I was originally supposed to be doing or do I keep the appointment tomorow morning just with the doc. If I cancel and rebook it will probably be another week and who knows if I'll be on or off by then and I could go on forever cancelling and booking appointments.
But I also feel silly going back and saying I made an appointment to see you as I couldn't do as you said because of my period but it's stopped now.
Flipping heck. I don't know what to do.
Saturday 12 September 2009
Paintball!
Todays exercise was Paintballing. The most fun and most painful day so far.
Why did people seem so fond of shooting me in the arse? I'd show you the bruises but I'm not pulling my jeans down and taking a photo of my bum. I do have bruises in other places too.
It was really hard work. there was a lot of running croutching and so on but it was much harder than it would usually be because of the body armour. I was joking on facebook about wearing armour but it turned out women have to to protect their boobies. It is really heavy and thick and today was a warm sunny day and it made me so hot. Really, I was sweating buckets. very hard work.
I put my hr monitor on and I worked off 1800 cals throughout the day and the highest my heart rate got was 178.
I don't believe the masks are really for protection. I think they are to preserve peoples anonymity and prevent revenge attacks. I was furious after somone shot my wrist after I was out and was holding my gun up as you are supposed to when you're out and was shouting 'I'm out you've got me' so they wouldn't shoot me again. It got me right on the wrist bone and knocked the gun out of my hand and was increadably painful. Still hurts now. At that point if I had have known who did it I would have hunted him down and shot him in the back of the head at close range.
That man needs to aprieciate the identity hiding mask.
I didn't do bad. I was still in the game and hadn't been shot in 2 of the games. I was quite suprised both times that happened as the first time I was quite near the opposite end where the other teams base was and saw one of my team go running for their flag (to win the game we had to get the other teams flag and get it back to our base) so just started shooting loads at where quite a few of the other team were to distract them. How on earth they didn't take me out I don't know.
The second time I was in until the end the aim was to collect 3 flags that were around the area and get them back to our base (both teams going for the first 3 flags) Suddenly someone shouted that we had all 3 flags so everyone back to base to protect them. I saw all these bodys emerging and running back to the base so I thought 'what the hell, just stand up and run' so I did and was waiting to feel the balls hitting my back but they didn't. I made it back to the base and sat there with gun at the ready until the whistle blew.
on all the others I lasted until almost the end and kept being suprised by finding my friends already there when I was out and went to the dead zone. Though I'm not sure how much was down to cowardice and me being curled up in a ball behind a baracade hahaha.
There were a lot of kids there and when the group of men left at lunch time we were even more outnumbered by kids but one of the marshalls told us that after they would ditch the kids and let the 4 of us have a game on our own.
So when that game was over they took everyone else (mainly kids and a few adults) back for a break and left us four and one marshal for our last game. We started as 2 teams of 2 and he said start on the first whistle, on the second whistle it is every man for himself and we are not out when shot but when we run out of ammo.
I was more scared of that game than any of the others. I couldn't believe the others were so keen. It sounded like it was going to hurt a lot. It was quite funny though. As soon as the whistle went I ran as far forward as I thought I safely could and then croutched down behind a baracade. Then I heard someone shout 'WHERE'S HELEN?' I thought 'they don't know where I am. Thank God' and just kept popping up and shooting people. I could hear the marshall laughing. I shot Matt several times as he was stood up in full view wondering aimlessly. Turns out his visor was completely covered in paint.
Then I shot Ann and she yelped and jumped... and then turned round to see where it had come from. I thought 'SHIT!'
She walked towards me firing her gun terminator like. I then discovered my gun was blocked and wouldn't fire. I shouted at Ann that my gun wasn't working and not to shoot me while I sort it. Bless her she did, she stopped and waited. I couldn't believe it, I doubt anyone else would have.
I sorted the gun and then thought, she's stood there with her gun pointing at me and is pretty close. it's going to hurt. So I didn't tell her my gun was fixed. Like the wuss I am I jumped up and ran away shouting 'don't shoot me, it'll hurt' Ann shouted 'is your gun working?' I said 'eerrrm' as I ran further and then turned round and fired my gun and said 'yes!'
We were quite near the marshal at that point and when I was running away pleading with Ann not to shoot me he was absolutely pissing himself laughing.
Afterwards someone mentioned that there had never been a second whistle and the marshal said 'the consept of teams went out the window in about the first 30 seconds'
It was fun but don't think I would be in too much of a hurry to do it again unless it was for a birthday or something. It does hurt. Though it did make me laugh a lot when as we were driving away mid conversation Matt said 'yeah, it was going quite well but then I ran into a tree and got shot in the face'
I forgot to say - my team won every game except one!
Why did people seem so fond of shooting me in the arse? I'd show you the bruises but I'm not pulling my jeans down and taking a photo of my bum. I do have bruises in other places too.
It was really hard work. there was a lot of running croutching and so on but it was much harder than it would usually be because of the body armour. I was joking on facebook about wearing armour but it turned out women have to to protect their boobies. It is really heavy and thick and today was a warm sunny day and it made me so hot. Really, I was sweating buckets. very hard work.
I put my hr monitor on and I worked off 1800 cals throughout the day and the highest my heart rate got was 178.
I don't believe the masks are really for protection. I think they are to preserve peoples anonymity and prevent revenge attacks. I was furious after somone shot my wrist after I was out and was holding my gun up as you are supposed to when you're out and was shouting 'I'm out you've got me' so they wouldn't shoot me again. It got me right on the wrist bone and knocked the gun out of my hand and was increadably painful. Still hurts now. At that point if I had have known who did it I would have hunted him down and shot him in the back of the head at close range.
That man needs to aprieciate the identity hiding mask.
I didn't do bad. I was still in the game and hadn't been shot in 2 of the games. I was quite suprised both times that happened as the first time I was quite near the opposite end where the other teams base was and saw one of my team go running for their flag (to win the game we had to get the other teams flag and get it back to our base) so just started shooting loads at where quite a few of the other team were to distract them. How on earth they didn't take me out I don't know.
The second time I was in until the end the aim was to collect 3 flags that were around the area and get them back to our base (both teams going for the first 3 flags) Suddenly someone shouted that we had all 3 flags so everyone back to base to protect them. I saw all these bodys emerging and running back to the base so I thought 'what the hell, just stand up and run' so I did and was waiting to feel the balls hitting my back but they didn't. I made it back to the base and sat there with gun at the ready until the whistle blew.
on all the others I lasted until almost the end and kept being suprised by finding my friends already there when I was out and went to the dead zone. Though I'm not sure how much was down to cowardice and me being curled up in a ball behind a baracade hahaha.
There were a lot of kids there and when the group of men left at lunch time we were even more outnumbered by kids but one of the marshalls told us that after they would ditch the kids and let the 4 of us have a game on our own.
So when that game was over they took everyone else (mainly kids and a few adults) back for a break and left us four and one marshal for our last game. We started as 2 teams of 2 and he said start on the first whistle, on the second whistle it is every man for himself and we are not out when shot but when we run out of ammo.
I was more scared of that game than any of the others. I couldn't believe the others were so keen. It sounded like it was going to hurt a lot. It was quite funny though. As soon as the whistle went I ran as far forward as I thought I safely could and then croutched down behind a baracade. Then I heard someone shout 'WHERE'S HELEN?' I thought 'they don't know where I am. Thank God' and just kept popping up and shooting people. I could hear the marshall laughing. I shot Matt several times as he was stood up in full view wondering aimlessly. Turns out his visor was completely covered in paint.
Then I shot Ann and she yelped and jumped... and then turned round to see where it had come from. I thought 'SHIT!'
She walked towards me firing her gun terminator like. I then discovered my gun was blocked and wouldn't fire. I shouted at Ann that my gun wasn't working and not to shoot me while I sort it. Bless her she did, she stopped and waited. I couldn't believe it, I doubt anyone else would have.
I sorted the gun and then thought, she's stood there with her gun pointing at me and is pretty close. it's going to hurt. So I didn't tell her my gun was fixed. Like the wuss I am I jumped up and ran away shouting 'don't shoot me, it'll hurt' Ann shouted 'is your gun working?' I said 'eerrrm' as I ran further and then turned round and fired my gun and said 'yes!'
We were quite near the marshal at that point and when I was running away pleading with Ann not to shoot me he was absolutely pissing himself laughing.
Afterwards someone mentioned that there had never been a second whistle and the marshal said 'the consept of teams went out the window in about the first 30 seconds'
It was fun but don't think I would be in too much of a hurry to do it again unless it was for a birthday or something. It does hurt. Though it did make me laugh a lot when as we were driving away mid conversation Matt said 'yeah, it was going quite well but then I ran into a tree and got shot in the face'
I forgot to say - my team won every game except one!
Friday 11 September 2009
THAT'S MY BIKE
yesterday I didn't get the bike by the door. Someone else got there first so I had to move further into the room with people between me and the door.
And you know what. I survived.
I don't think I'm really bothered about that anymore but I did stuggle with it last night but then that isn't suprising as it was the last evening before my rest day. I was knackered.
Rest day today and paintballing tomorrow. I'm going to the trafford center today, maybe I should wear my hr monitor to see how many calories I burn off during shopping. Pity I don't have a boyfriend I could answer the age old question. which is better? Shopping or sex?
And you know what. I survived.
I don't think I'm really bothered about that anymore but I did stuggle with it last night but then that isn't suprising as it was the last evening before my rest day. I was knackered.
Rest day today and paintballing tomorrow. I'm going to the trafford center today, maybe I should wear my hr monitor to see how many calories I burn off during shopping. Pity I don't have a boyfriend I could answer the age old question. which is better? Shopping or sex?
Tuesday 8 September 2009
Not big enough for biggest loser?
Something has made me feel better. I have been really upset with my small weight losses and not being able to lose weight like they do on the biggest loser no matter what I do or eat.
People have said to me several times that the people on biggest loser are really big so are bound to lose more weight and I have said that isn't true, I'm as big as they are.
A new series that I have never seen before started today. I decided I was going to watch the first weigh in and chose a woman of similar age and weight to me and watch what weight she loses.
I couldn't do that and the reason I couldn't do it is there was that everyone weighted a lot more than me. There was no one anywhere near. The closest was 17stone 11lb which is currently 1st 11lb heavier than me and even if I went with that she is only 22 so will lose weight much easier.
At 38 year old and 16 stone I can't compare myself to a 22 year old 17st 11lb woman and she was the closest to me. And the other contestants were making comments that she didn't seem big enough to be on the show
So yes, that has made me feel quite a bit better about the amount of weight I'm losing.
People have said to me several times that the people on biggest loser are really big so are bound to lose more weight and I have said that isn't true, I'm as big as they are.
A new series that I have never seen before started today. I decided I was going to watch the first weigh in and chose a woman of similar age and weight to me and watch what weight she loses.
I couldn't do that and the reason I couldn't do it is there was that everyone weighted a lot more than me. There was no one anywhere near. The closest was 17stone 11lb which is currently 1st 11lb heavier than me and even if I went with that she is only 22 so will lose weight much easier.
At 38 year old and 16 stone I can't compare myself to a 22 year old 17st 11lb woman and she was the closest to me. And the other contestants were making comments that she didn't seem big enough to be on the show
So yes, that has made me feel quite a bit better about the amount of weight I'm losing.
Monday 7 September 2009
it's not 5lb
Today started off well. I went to RPM but forgot my pressure bandage for my thigh. In the changing room I realised and thought 'Damn! that means it's going to be digging into me and hurting.
But you know what? It didn't. It didn't dig into my thigh one single time, it was fine. I had actually thought the bandage seemed to be sliding on easier and wasn't as tight but this deffinitely confirmed it. My thighs have got smaller and I no longer need the bandage to stop the bike digging into me.
The class was ok though I was feeling quite queezy this morning but I was pleased my favouite track was included. That cheered me up. Oh my god it's horrible but I love it. Can anyone out there explain the psychology of my loving the track Matt describes in class as 'the worst track you will ever ride'
After that I got weighed and found I was 101.6kg. I asked Matt what that is and he looked at the chart and said 15st 12lb. That is a 5lb loss. I was pleased with that. That is a reasonable loss at last.
I got home and checked it and it was wrong 101.6kg isn't 15st 12lb it is 16stone exactly. Which means I've actually only lost 3lb.
Gutted!
But you know what? It didn't. It didn't dig into my thigh one single time, it was fine. I had actually thought the bandage seemed to be sliding on easier and wasn't as tight but this deffinitely confirmed it. My thighs have got smaller and I no longer need the bandage to stop the bike digging into me.
The class was ok though I was feeling quite queezy this morning but I was pleased my favouite track was included. That cheered me up. Oh my god it's horrible but I love it. Can anyone out there explain the psychology of my loving the track Matt describes in class as 'the worst track you will ever ride'
After that I got weighed and found I was 101.6kg. I asked Matt what that is and he looked at the chart and said 15st 12lb. That is a 5lb loss. I was pleased with that. That is a reasonable loss at last.
I got home and checked it and it was wrong 101.6kg isn't 15st 12lb it is 16stone exactly. Which means I've actually only lost 3lb.
Gutted!
Sunday 6 September 2009
Rest Day
Rest day at last. Thank god.
I'm making the most of it. I'm sat on the sofa watching telly and.... nope, that's pretty much it. I have got dressed now though. Might go to the cinema later.
I am getting pretty worried about what could be wrong with me. I'm now on day 28 of my period. That's almost a month and it still isn't stopping. I'm going to phone the doctor and make an appointment tomorrow.
I'm making the most of it. I'm sat on the sofa watching telly and.... nope, that's pretty much it. I have got dressed now though. Might go to the cinema later.
I am getting pretty worried about what could be wrong with me. I'm now on day 28 of my period. That's almost a month and it still isn't stopping. I'm going to phone the doctor and make an appointment tomorrow.
Saturday 5 September 2009
Day 27
Thank god tomorrow is rest day. I'm exhausted.
I went swimming this morning and then RPM. I really really struggled with RPM this morning. What baffles me is I clearly didn't do as well as usual but I burned more calories. 657.
And my favourite tack was missing.
Just weights to do this afternoon and then that is it until Monday
I went swimming this morning and then RPM. I really really struggled with RPM this morning. What baffles me is I clearly didn't do as well as usual but I burned more calories. 657.
And my favourite tack was missing.
Just weights to do this afternoon and then that is it until Monday
Friday 4 September 2009
OH NO!
Disaster has struck! Earlier on I was passing the chippy and I SMELT FISH AND CHIPS!
I am concerned I may now have put a stone on.
I am concerned I may now have put a stone on.
supermarket
I'm stood at the checkout and out of the corner of my eye I can see the things going onto the belt next to me from the people behind - buns, sugary cereal, beer, a huuuge bottle of cooking oil, loaf after loaf after loaf of thick white bread, lucazaid, fray bentos pies.
I'm thinking to myself 'don't look round, they are going to be skinny. Just don't look' but I couldn't resist. I looked and guess what, yes they were skinny.
So I put my salad, veg, rice cakes and sugar free jelly into a bag and dragged my obese body to the furthest spot away from the supermarket where I had intentionally parked in order to cram a bit more exercise into the day. When I've finished typing this I'm off to the gym to do a circuit, my second exercise session of the day and later I'm back there to do heavy weights.
Why are things never fair?
I should have been born in Ethiopia, I would have amazed everyone by putting on weight. Those news reports would have been so different, all the skeletal figures with one fat kid in the middle.
I'm thinking to myself 'don't look round, they are going to be skinny. Just don't look' but I couldn't resist. I looked and guess what, yes they were skinny.
So I put my salad, veg, rice cakes and sugar free jelly into a bag and dragged my obese body to the furthest spot away from the supermarket where I had intentionally parked in order to cram a bit more exercise into the day. When I've finished typing this I'm off to the gym to do a circuit, my second exercise session of the day and later I'm back there to do heavy weights.
Why are things never fair?
I should have been born in Ethiopia, I would have amazed everyone by putting on weight. Those news reports would have been so different, all the skeletal figures with one fat kid in the middle.
Thursday 3 September 2009
RPM
I have a shocking confession to make.
I enjoyed RPM tonight. Yes I really did and it wasn't a case of thinking afterwards 'I enjoyed that' even though at the time I was hating it. I really did enjoy it and thought so at the time.
Not that it was any easier than before and still half killed me and I still burned 600 calories but it felt good. There is one track that Matt always says is the worst one and he is right it is horrible and I feel like I'm dying by the time we are about a quarter of the way in but it always has been my favouite.
Last week someone was saying it would be better with different music and I was thinking no don't change it. The music goes perfectly with the torture. I love it.
Oh and the compression bandage on my thigh totally sorted out the problem of that bit digging into me. It didn't happen at all so I don't need to worry about that any more.
Just edited to add - you know you're in a proper yorkshire gym when the RPM instructor drinks a mug of tea whilst taking the class.
I enjoyed RPM tonight. Yes I really did and it wasn't a case of thinking afterwards 'I enjoyed that' even though at the time I was hating it. I really did enjoy it and thought so at the time.
Not that it was any easier than before and still half killed me and I still burned 600 calories but it felt good. There is one track that Matt always says is the worst one and he is right it is horrible and I feel like I'm dying by the time we are about a quarter of the way in but it always has been my favouite.
Last week someone was saying it would be better with different music and I was thinking no don't change it. The music goes perfectly with the torture. I love it.
Oh and the compression bandage on my thigh totally sorted out the problem of that bit digging into me. It didn't happen at all so I don't need to worry about that any more.
Just edited to add - you know you're in a proper yorkshire gym when the RPM instructor drinks a mug of tea whilst taking the class.
Wednesday 2 September 2009
going to turn into a fish
so I got home from my second session swimming of the day. It's late, it's dark and raining. I'm tired and hungry. I get in and am thinking about baking fish and steaming veg.
You have no idea how easy it would have been to pop a couple of slices of bread in the toaster.
I didn't though, Fish is in the oven broccolli is in the steamer.
Back at the pool in the morning. I don't really mind that, I like swimming. I just wish I was faster I'm always worrying about getting in peoples way.
Maybe once I don't need a personal trainer anymore I might have swimming lessons.
You have no idea how easy it would have been to pop a couple of slices of bread in the toaster.
I didn't though, Fish is in the oven broccolli is in the steamer.
Back at the pool in the morning. I don't really mind that, I like swimming. I just wish I was faster I'm always worrying about getting in peoples way.
Maybe once I don't need a personal trainer anymore I might have swimming lessons.
more weights
Well this afternoons session wasn't as expected. I thought it was going to be really hard with my muscles already aching but I set the weights to what I usually do and it seemed easier than usual.
by the time I'd done I didn't really feel like I'd done anything and was a bit bored actually. I'm now feeling like I've not done enough today even though I still have swimming to do.
by the time I'd done I didn't really feel like I'd done anything and was a bit bored actually. I'm now feeling like I've not done enough today even though I still have swimming to do.
My favourite biggest loser clip
I laugh until I cry every time I watch this
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9hf8ZleWCck
LET GO OF THE TREE!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9hf8ZleWCck
LET GO OF THE TREE!!
weights
on my exercise plan it says Heavy weights this morning and light weights this afternoon. Matt said the heavy weights need to be a lot heavier than I normaly do and it should really be a struggle so that's what I did.
On each machine I set it a lot higher than I usually do, to a point I could only just lift it. I usually do 3 sets of 15 on each but there was absolutely no way I could do that. I still did 3 sets on each but they were only of 5 and each time I didn't think I was going to be able to complete it. I certainly didn't go easy on myself. Matt said struggle and struggle I did.
The only one that was different was the shoulder press. I always struggle to do that at all but I did set it at a higher weight than usual but I only managed one set. Well actually rather than one set of 5 it was more like 5 sets of one as I had to stop between each one.
It hurts already. I can feel the muscles aching and I still have to go back and do the light weights and my second swimming session of the day.
On each machine I set it a lot higher than I usually do, to a point I could only just lift it. I usually do 3 sets of 15 on each but there was absolutely no way I could do that. I still did 3 sets on each but they were only of 5 and each time I didn't think I was going to be able to complete it. I certainly didn't go easy on myself. Matt said struggle and struggle I did.
The only one that was different was the shoulder press. I always struggle to do that at all but I did set it at a higher weight than usual but I only managed one set. Well actually rather than one set of 5 it was more like 5 sets of one as I had to stop between each one.
It hurts already. I can feel the muscles aching and I still have to go back and do the light weights and my second swimming session of the day.
Tuesday 1 September 2009
who's reading
I suspect Stephen could be reading my blog. I'm judging this on the number of times he has asked my how my back is and how the bruises are ever since my 'comfort eating' post yesterday.
I'm not complaining, it's nice that he cares. I'll have to watch what I say though.
I'm not complaining, it's nice that he cares. I'll have to watch what I say though.
why am I bothering.
Just been talking to my mum on the phone. She told me how she has lost 4lb in the last 2 weeks. I asked how she's done that and she said she's been trying not to each much of the bad stuff. I asked if she has done any exercise and she said no. well I knew that and she really means no exercise she can hardly walk due to arthritis.
Exactly the same as the amount I've lost by half killing myself every day and eating around 1200 cal. All homemade, fresh food, no processed or ready made stuff, no fat, sugar, salt (or taste)
Why on earth am I still doing it.
Exactly the same as the amount I've lost by half killing myself every day and eating around 1200 cal. All homemade, fresh food, no processed or ready made stuff, no fat, sugar, salt (or taste)
Why on earth am I still doing it.
falling on the stairs
Rather than reply to Michelle's comment I decided to put what happened in a new post.
Yesterday I was walking down the stairs squirting fabreeze on the carpet ahead of me. At the bottom of the stairs the hallways is tiled and I got the tiles wet with the fabreeze and I was in bare feet (as always). As I stepped onto the tiles my foot just shot out from under me. My toes smashed into the wall in front of me. I pulled the muscle in my calf. I fell backwards onto the steps withthe bottom of my back and both my forarms hitting the edge of steps.
At first I did think I had properly injured myself, I was just in so much pain in so many places I couldn't focus on any one thing or what was actually wrong. I was just sat there waiting for the pain to start to die down and it actually made me cry. I know I'm always saying things make me cry but that's emotional stuff. Physical pain doesn't usually make me cry but I was on my own and hurting so much and it didn't seem to be dieing down and I didn't know how badly I was injured.
Obviously the pain did eventually die down though and it probably didn't take as long as it seemed. It soon became obvious most of the painful bits were just bruised. I was then only worried about my toes which I did wonder if I had broken one or more and my calf as I know once the muscle has gone once it can keep happening so I was worried about it effecting training.
It hasn't been a problem though as time passed it became obvious my toes are ok and there has been no reoccurence of pulling the muscle in my calf.
The bruises are sore but they are just bruises. They kept me awake because I move around a lot in bed and the worst bruise is at the bottom of my back/top of my bum on the left hand side. It is all worse on the left as that was the foot that went out from under me so everything on my left hit first. So last night every time I rolled over to the left it hurt so i was trying not to and that was making it difficult to sleep.
Yesterday I was walking down the stairs squirting fabreeze on the carpet ahead of me. At the bottom of the stairs the hallways is tiled and I got the tiles wet with the fabreeze and I was in bare feet (as always). As I stepped onto the tiles my foot just shot out from under me. My toes smashed into the wall in front of me. I pulled the muscle in my calf. I fell backwards onto the steps withthe bottom of my back and both my forarms hitting the edge of steps.
At first I did think I had properly injured myself, I was just in so much pain in so many places I couldn't focus on any one thing or what was actually wrong. I was just sat there waiting for the pain to start to die down and it actually made me cry. I know I'm always saying things make me cry but that's emotional stuff. Physical pain doesn't usually make me cry but I was on my own and hurting so much and it didn't seem to be dieing down and I didn't know how badly I was injured.
Obviously the pain did eventually die down though and it probably didn't take as long as it seemed. It soon became obvious most of the painful bits were just bruised. I was then only worried about my toes which I did wonder if I had broken one or more and my calf as I know once the muscle has gone once it can keep happening so I was worried about it effecting training.
It hasn't been a problem though as time passed it became obvious my toes are ok and there has been no reoccurence of pulling the muscle in my calf.
The bruises are sore but they are just bruises. They kept me awake because I move around a lot in bed and the worst bruise is at the bottom of my back/top of my bum on the left hand side. It is all worse on the left as that was the foot that went out from under me so everything on my left hit first. So last night every time I rolled over to the left it hurt so i was trying not to and that was making it difficult to sleep.
Another 2lb
Got wighed this morning and am 102.7kg 16st 3lb so I've lost another 2lb this week.
I'm trying to think well it's weight lost, I'm less this week than last week but to be honest that isn't what I'm thinking.
What I'm thinking is IT'S NOT FAIR! and I want to cry. I'm using all my anual leave for this and working out for hours a day and averaging 1200 calories a day. most day's I'm absolutely exhaused. I didn't update my blog properly over the weekend because I was simply too tired to even do that.
That is not sustainable eventually I have to go back to work and my normal life and then what? If this is what it takes for me to lose 2lb a week.
I'm seriously close to giving up, totally and just accepting that I am an obese person, it's just how I'm ment to be. I can't live the rest of my life like this. I can't live the rest of my life battling to not be obese every single minute never doing or thinking about anything else. What sort of life is that? and I'd have to win the lottery to enable it to be the only thing I ever do.
Other people aren't like this, why am I. I really do work hard. I really am trying.
I hardly slept last night thanks to the bruises from falling on the stairs yesterday but I still got up at 6am so I could get to the pool and do my early morning swimming as per schedual before taking my dad to his group and then to the gym.
I can't do anymore than I'm doing.
I'm trying to think well it's weight lost, I'm less this week than last week but to be honest that isn't what I'm thinking.
What I'm thinking is IT'S NOT FAIR! and I want to cry. I'm using all my anual leave for this and working out for hours a day and averaging 1200 calories a day. most day's I'm absolutely exhaused. I didn't update my blog properly over the weekend because I was simply too tired to even do that.
That is not sustainable eventually I have to go back to work and my normal life and then what? If this is what it takes for me to lose 2lb a week.
I'm seriously close to giving up, totally and just accepting that I am an obese person, it's just how I'm ment to be. I can't live the rest of my life like this. I can't live the rest of my life battling to not be obese every single minute never doing or thinking about anything else. What sort of life is that? and I'd have to win the lottery to enable it to be the only thing I ever do.
Other people aren't like this, why am I. I really do work hard. I really am trying.
I hardly slept last night thanks to the bruises from falling on the stairs yesterday but I still got up at 6am so I could get to the pool and do my early morning swimming as per schedual before taking my dad to his group and then to the gym.
I can't do anymore than I'm doing.
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