on track

can't believe I worried so much and so long over something so easily sorted. Those tablets the doc gave me did the trick straight away and I no longer need them. Everything working as it should.

simple as that.

I'm doing better with the training now. I did do quite badly whilst I was seeing someone. I just didn't have time for anything, training eating right or anything so it was all going quite badly down hill. he probably did me a favour dumping me. Doesn't feel like it but I'm now training hard (I can feel my muscles again :-) ) and am eating properly good home cooked food with only good ingrediants. No rubbish.

I really need to concentrate on that now. Only four months to the marathon. I need to lose the rest of the weight now and get running!

Plus I've just been invited to a wedding in Devon in July. I'm quite excited about it and want to wear something nice and look good. Plus I might book a few days off and stay there a bit longer. Make it a bit of a holiday.

worrying

I shouldn't have gone to RPM. I felt dreadful, it was horrible. I wanted to throw up. Really really thirsty too. First time I have run out of water during RPM and the bottle was full at the beinning. I have a salty taste in my mouth today.

That wasn't the worst thing though. Yes it was tough, I felt ill and really struggled but the thing is during RPM my mind tends to wonder even though it is such hard work. Up until then I had managed to not really think about what it means. I was just thinking about the fact that I felt crap.

I've started taking the tablets the doctor gave me.

Medical Problems

Phoned for test results on Friday and they had come back normal so now I'm waiting for my scan appointment but today after a 5week long period then a week off it has started again. And this time with really bad period pains. Worse than I've had in quite a while.

reason not to worry

Just thought I'd say because it sort of relates to what me and Michelle have been talking about in the comments, another reason I'm being a bit more chilled about my slow weight loss is that at the moment I don't know what is going on with my body.

There is deffinitely something wrong. The symptoms are tangable and not within my control so there is no doubt there is something and it is being investigated but as yet we don't know what it is. It might turn out to be, hopefully, something really trivial but the point is it is silly stressing about anything my body is doing including the weight loss well we have no idea what is wrong with me and wether or not it is affecting my weight.

I have a good doctor though who is covering all the bases and checking everything out to find out what is going on. I have to phone today for the results from some tests and I'm waiting for an appointment to come through to go to the hospital for a scan.

The end

i couldn't get weighed on the usual scales. Matt said they are away being fixed but to be honest I don't believe him. It's not unusual for him to be ecconomical with the truth and I think he just didn't want to weigh me in case I hadn't lost weight again. I suggested he weigh me on the ones with the slidy scale in the gym and he agreed but didn't seem happy about it, I don't really know how you use them Matt told me I'm 15st 11lb. Wether that's true or accurate I don't know.

Crap way to end the 6 weeks. anyway if it is right that means I have lost 1st 5lb in total. I'm having a couple of days off and have eaten loads of junk but will be getting back to healthy eating and exercising daily soon. I will be going to RPM tomorrow anyway.

Photos - Here are the photos of me at the start, 3 weeks and at 6 weeks. If you can see any difference you are doing better than me. i really thought I could see a difference in myself in the mirror but looking at these photos I think I was just fooling myself.

Doctors again

that was horrible but at least it is over with. Examination done, everything looks fine. Swabs taken, results on Friday. Referal for scan sent to hospital, should get appointment in a few weeks.

speak like a pirate day

Ahoy me mateys! it be speak like a pirate day so it is.

If those dastardly scales don't say I've lost weight on Tuesday I be keelhauling that scurvy dog of a trainer.

Shiver me timbers!!

Almost at the end.

Thought I had better say that I'm not still in a strop. I haven't posted since because, well frankly I couldn't be bothered. :-)

After my last post a friend send me a lovely message that calmed me down somewhat but also started me thinking about my blog and my weightloss and why I'm doing all this.

I went back and read my very first post which I haven't read or thought about in such a long time. I got very emotional reading it. Remembering everything, what life was like before, what it was like thinking I was going to die and I cried buckets reading the bit about the race for life, remembering just how big a deal that was for me. Really was one of the most major mile stones in my life. What it felt like to achieve that.

By the time I finished reading I had realised that I can't stop, I can't give in and go back to how I was, even if I continue to do terribly I have to carry on for all the same reasons I decided to do it in the first place.

If you've never read that first post here's the link http://yorkshirepud-runfatgirlrun.blogspot.com/2008/07/story-so-far.html

I really can't carry on like I have been doing though. That is no way to live life. I am going to continue to exercise when this is over though not to the same extent. Maybe an hour a day or something. i am going to continue to have a healthy diet and as long as I'm doing that and know I'm living a healthy lifestyle then I'm not going to stress about it.

If I live like that and never lose another pound well then I never lose another pound. I am what I am and wasting my life getting upset and stressing about it won't help.

weigh in

I've put on a pound. I am now 16st 1lb.

On saturday I had fried chicken and chips for lunch at paintballing as there was no choice. I also had 1 malibu and lemonade at the pub after before going onto the diet coke.

Of course the fact that I also burned off 1800 cal paintballing that day is irrelivant isn't it. Also the fact that I'd worked damn hard every day that week and had eaten between 1200 and 1500 cal a day doesn't matter does it.

Even on my rest day I went to the trafford center so spent the day walking up and down. When it turned out the people I was meeting for lunch were going to be really late and I was very hungry so I said I would just get a snack and we would have lunch when we got there I could have easily got a cookie from one of the stalls or a packet of crisps from somewhere or something in a coffee shop but I didn't. i spent ages walking up and down the damn place searching for something healthy and eventually found they sold fruit in the selfridges food hall by which time it was almost time to meet people for lunch anyway.

But none of that matters does it.

I can't keep doing this for nothing. Working so damn hard at a losing battle where it is impossible for me to make a difference. I've told Matt today I'm thinking of giving up and I'm going to give it a month but to be honest I don't feel like giving it a month. At the moment I just want to give up now and accept the inevitable.

doctors

I kept my appointment this morning. He seemed very suprised when he looked at my chart 'All these days?' I said 'yes that's why I was worried it wasn't going to end'

He has prescribed me some tablets that he says will lighten my period. I'm not so sure about that. I don't need them to be lighter I need them to be shorter. They aren't heavy, in fact the way it is now they are at no point as heavy as they used to be when they lasted a normal length of time. Anyway I'll take them and see what happens.

I also have another appointment for him and the nurse for an internal examination which he says I should keep wether I'm on my period or not, which seems pretty gross to me. But the appointment is for next monday so there is a pretty good chance that I still won't be on my period at that point. I hope not.

Doctors appointment!

I don't flipping believe this.

a few month ago I went to the doctor and he told me to make an appointment with him and the nurse for an internal examination. I did that but then my period came on and I had to cancel it. After that it was on off on off which was mainly what I had gone to the doctor about.

Then it was on for over a month. Finally last Monday I thought I can't keep on waiting for it to end to make the appointment, it just isn't ending so phoned to make an appointment to go back and see the doctor. They couldn't fit me in for a week and gave me an appointment for tomorrow.

Today my period stopped! fantastic timing eh?

Now do I cancel my appointment and rebook one for the doc and the nurse as I was originally supposed to be doing or do I keep the appointment tomorow morning just with the doc. If I cancel and rebook it will probably be another week and who knows if I'll be on or off by then and I could go on forever cancelling and booking appointments.

But I also feel silly going back and saying I made an appointment to see you as I couldn't do as you said because of my period but it's stopped now.

Flipping heck. I don't know what to do.

Paintball!

Todays exercise was Paintballing. The most fun and most painful day so far.

Why did people seem so fond of shooting me in the arse? I'd show you the bruises but I'm not pulling my jeans down and taking a photo of my bum. I do have bruises in other places too.

It was really hard work. there was a lot of running croutching and so on but it was much harder than it would usually be because of the body armour. I was joking on facebook about wearing armour but it turned out women have to to protect their boobies. It is really heavy and thick and today was a warm sunny day and it made me so hot. Really, I was sweating buckets. very hard work.

I put my hr monitor on and I worked off 1800 cals throughout the day and the highest my heart rate got was 178.

I don't believe the masks are really for protection. I think they are to preserve peoples anonymity and prevent revenge attacks. I was furious after somone shot my wrist after I was out and was holding my gun up as you are supposed to when you're out and was shouting 'I'm out you've got me' so they wouldn't shoot me again. It got me right on the wrist bone and knocked the gun out of my hand and was increadably painful. Still hurts now. At that point if I had have known who did it I would have hunted him down and shot him in the back of the head at close range.

That man needs to aprieciate the identity hiding mask.

I didn't do bad. I was still in the game and hadn't been shot in 2 of the games. I was quite suprised both times that happened as the first time I was quite near the opposite end where the other teams base was and saw one of my team go running for their flag (to win the game we had to get the other teams flag and get it back to our base) so just started shooting loads at where quite a few of the other team were to distract them. How on earth they didn't take me out I don't know.

The second time I was in until the end the aim was to collect 3 flags that were around the area and get them back to our base (both teams going for the first 3 flags) Suddenly someone shouted that we had all 3 flags so everyone back to base to protect them. I saw all these bodys emerging and running back to the base so I thought 'what the hell, just stand up and run' so I did and was waiting to feel the balls hitting my back but they didn't. I made it back to the base and sat there with gun at the ready until the whistle blew.

on all the others I lasted until almost the end and kept being suprised by finding my friends already there when I was out and went to the dead zone. Though I'm not sure how much was down to cowardice and me being curled up in a ball behind a baracade hahaha.

There were a lot of kids there and when the group of men left at lunch time we were even more outnumbered by kids but one of the marshalls told us that after they would ditch the kids and let the 4 of us have a game on our own.

So when that game was over they took everyone else (mainly kids and a few adults) back for a break and left us four and one marshal for our last game. We started as 2 teams of 2 and he said start on the first whistle, on the second whistle it is every man for himself and we are not out when shot but when we run out of ammo.

I was more scared of that game than any of the others. I couldn't believe the others were so keen. It sounded like it was going to hurt a lot. It was quite funny though. As soon as the whistle went I ran as far forward as I thought I safely could and then croutched down behind a baracade. Then I heard someone shout 'WHERE'S HELEN?' I thought 'they don't know where I am. Thank God' and just kept popping up and shooting people. I could hear the marshall laughing. I shot Matt several times as he was stood up in full view wondering aimlessly. Turns out his visor was completely covered in paint.

Then I shot Ann and she yelped and jumped... and then turned round to see where it had come from. I thought 'SHIT!'

She walked towards me firing her gun terminator like. I then discovered my gun was blocked and wouldn't fire. I shouted at Ann that my gun wasn't working and not to shoot me while I sort it. Bless her she did, she stopped and waited. I couldn't believe it, I doubt anyone else would have.

I sorted the gun and then thought, she's stood there with her gun pointing at me and is pretty close. it's going to hurt. So I didn't tell her my gun was fixed. Like the wuss I am I jumped up and ran away shouting 'don't shoot me, it'll hurt' Ann shouted 'is your gun working?' I said 'eerrrm' as I ran further and then turned round and fired my gun and said 'yes!'

We were quite near the marshal at that point and when I was running away pleading with Ann not to shoot me he was absolutely pissing himself laughing.

Afterwards someone mentioned that there had never been a second whistle and the marshal said 'the consept of teams went out the window in about the first 30 seconds'

It was fun but don't think I would be in too much of a hurry to do it again unless it was for a birthday or something. It does hurt. Though it did make me laugh a lot when as we were driving away mid conversation Matt said 'yeah, it was going quite well but then I ran into a tree and got shot in the face'

I forgot to say - my team won every game except one!

THAT'S MY BIKE

yesterday I didn't get the bike by the door. Someone else got there first so I had to move further into the room with people between me and the door.

And you know what. I survived.

I don't think I'm really bothered about that anymore but I did stuggle with it last night but then that isn't suprising as it was the last evening before my rest day. I was knackered.

Rest day today and paintballing tomorrow. I'm going to the trafford center today, maybe I should wear my hr monitor to see how many calories I burn off during shopping. Pity I don't have a boyfriend I could answer the age old question. which is better? Shopping or sex?

Not big enough for biggest loser?

Something has made me feel better. I have been really upset with my small weight losses and not being able to lose weight like they do on the biggest loser no matter what I do or eat.

People have said to me several times that the people on biggest loser are really big so are bound to lose more weight and I have said that isn't true, I'm as big as they are.

A new series that I have never seen before started today. I decided I was going to watch the first weigh in and chose a woman of similar age and weight to me and watch what weight she loses.

I couldn't do that and the reason I couldn't do it is there was that everyone weighted a lot more than me. There was no one anywhere near. The closest was 17stone 11lb which is currently 1st 11lb heavier than me and even if I went with that she is only 22 so will lose weight much easier.

At 38 year old and 16 stone I can't compare myself to a 22 year old 17st 11lb woman and she was the closest to me. And the other contestants were making comments that she didn't seem big enough to be on the show

So yes, that has made me feel quite a bit better about the amount of weight I'm losing.

god looking in the mirror is depressing.

it's not 5lb

Today started off well. I went to RPM but forgot my pressure bandage for my thigh. In the changing room I realised and thought 'Damn! that means it's going to be digging into me and hurting.

But you know what? It didn't. It didn't dig into my thigh one single time, it was fine. I had actually thought the bandage seemed to be sliding on easier and wasn't as tight but this deffinitely confirmed it. My thighs have got smaller and I no longer need the bandage to stop the bike digging into me.

The class was ok though I was feeling quite queezy this morning but I was pleased my favouite track was included. That cheered me up. Oh my god it's horrible but I love it. Can anyone out there explain the psychology of my loving the track Matt describes in class as 'the worst track you will ever ride'

After that I got weighed and found I was 101.6kg. I asked Matt what that is and he looked at the chart and said 15st 12lb. That is a 5lb loss. I was pleased with that. That is a reasonable loss at last.

I got home and checked it and it was wrong 101.6kg isn't 15st 12lb it is 16stone exactly. Which means I've actually only lost 3lb.

Gutted!

Rest Day

Rest day at last. Thank god.

I'm making the most of it. I'm sat on the sofa watching telly and.... nope, that's pretty much it. I have got dressed now though. Might go to the cinema later.

I am getting pretty worried about what could be wrong with me. I'm now on day 28 of my period. That's almost a month and it still isn't stopping. I'm going to phone the doctor and make an appointment tomorrow.

Day 27

Thank god tomorrow is rest day. I'm exhausted.

I went swimming this morning and then RPM. I really really struggled with RPM this morning. What baffles me is I clearly didn't do as well as usual but I burned more calories. 657.

And my favourite tack was missing.

Just weights to do this afternoon and then that is it until Monday

OH NO!

Disaster has struck! Earlier on I was passing the chippy and I SMELT FISH AND CHIPS!

I am concerned I may now have put a stone on.

supermarket

I'm stood at the checkout and out of the corner of my eye I can see the things going onto the belt next to me from the people behind - buns, sugary cereal, beer, a huuuge bottle of cooking oil, loaf after loaf after loaf of thick white bread, lucazaid, fray bentos pies.

I'm thinking to myself 'don't look round, they are going to be skinny. Just don't look' but I couldn't resist. I looked and guess what, yes they were skinny.

So I put my salad, veg, rice cakes and sugar free jelly into a bag and dragged my obese body to the furthest spot away from the supermarket where I had intentionally parked in order to cram a bit more exercise into the day. When I've finished typing this I'm off to the gym to do a circuit, my second exercise session of the day and later I'm back there to do heavy weights.

Why are things never fair?

I should have been born in Ethiopia, I would have amazed everyone by putting on weight. Those news reports would have been so different, all the skeletal figures with one fat kid in the middle.

RPM

I have a shocking confession to make.

I enjoyed RPM tonight. Yes I really did and it wasn't a case of thinking afterwards 'I enjoyed that' even though at the time I was hating it. I really did enjoy it and thought so at the time.

Not that it was any easier than before and still half killed me and I still burned 600 calories but it felt good. There is one track that Matt always says is the worst one and he is right it is horrible and I feel like I'm dying by the time we are about a quarter of the way in but it always has been my favouite.

Last week someone was saying it would be better with different music and I was thinking no don't change it. The music goes perfectly with the torture. I love it.

Oh and the compression bandage on my thigh totally sorted out the problem of that bit digging into me. It didn't happen at all so I don't need to worry about that any more.

Just edited to add - you know you're in a proper yorkshire gym when the RPM instructor drinks a mug of tea whilst taking the class.

ow ow ow ow

My muscles hurt.

Yes I do mean all of them.

going to turn into a fish

so I got home from my second session swimming of the day. It's late, it's dark and raining. I'm tired and hungry. I get in and am thinking about baking fish and steaming veg.

You have no idea how easy it would have been to pop a couple of slices of bread in the toaster.

I didn't though, Fish is in the oven broccolli is in the steamer.

Back at the pool in the morning. I don't really mind that, I like swimming. I just wish I was faster I'm always worrying about getting in peoples way.

Maybe once I don't need a personal trainer anymore I might have swimming lessons.

more weights

Well this afternoons session wasn't as expected. I thought it was going to be really hard with my muscles already aching but I set the weights to what I usually do and it seemed easier than usual.

by the time I'd done I didn't really feel like I'd done anything and was a bit bored actually. I'm now feeling like I've not done enough today even though I still have swimming to do.

My favourite biggest loser clip

I laugh until I cry every time I watch this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9hf8ZleWCck

LET GO OF THE TREE!!

weights

on my exercise plan it says Heavy weights this morning and light weights this afternoon. Matt said the heavy weights need to be a lot heavier than I normaly do and it should really be a struggle so that's what I did.

On each machine I set it a lot higher than I usually do, to a point I could only just lift it. I usually do 3 sets of 15 on each but there was absolutely no way I could do that. I still did 3 sets on each but they were only of 5 and each time I didn't think I was going to be able to complete it. I certainly didn't go easy on myself. Matt said struggle and struggle I did.

The only one that was different was the shoulder press. I always struggle to do that at all but I did set it at a higher weight than usual but I only managed one set. Well actually rather than one set of 5 it was more like 5 sets of one as I had to stop between each one.

It hurts already. I can feel the muscles aching and I still have to go back and do the light weights and my second swimming session of the day.

who's reading

I suspect Stephen could be reading my blog. I'm judging this on the number of times he has asked my how my back is and how the bruises are ever since my 'comfort eating' post yesterday.

I'm not complaining, it's nice that he cares. I'll have to watch what I say though.

why am I bothering.

Just been talking to my mum on the phone. She told me how she has lost 4lb in the last 2 weeks. I asked how she's done that and she said she's been trying not to each much of the bad stuff. I asked if she has done any exercise and she said no. well I knew that and she really means no exercise she can hardly walk due to arthritis.

Exactly the same as the amount I've lost by half killing myself every day and eating around 1200 cal. All homemade, fresh food, no processed or ready made stuff, no fat, sugar, salt (or taste)

Why on earth am I still doing it.

falling on the stairs

Rather than reply to Michelle's comment I decided to put what happened in a new post.

Yesterday I was walking down the stairs squirting fabreeze on the carpet ahead of me. At the bottom of the stairs the hallways is tiled and I got the tiles wet with the fabreeze and I was in bare feet (as always). As I stepped onto the tiles my foot just shot out from under me. My toes smashed into the wall in front of me. I pulled the muscle in my calf. I fell backwards onto the steps withthe bottom of my back and both my forarms hitting the edge of steps.

At first I did think I had properly injured myself, I was just in so much pain in so many places I couldn't focus on any one thing or what was actually wrong. I was just sat there waiting for the pain to start to die down and it actually made me cry. I know I'm always saying things make me cry but that's emotional stuff. Physical pain doesn't usually make me cry but I was on my own and hurting so much and it didn't seem to be dieing down and I didn't know how badly I was injured.

Obviously the pain did eventually die down though and it probably didn't take as long as it seemed. It soon became obvious most of the painful bits were just bruised. I was then only worried about my toes which I did wonder if I had broken one or more and my calf as I know once the muscle has gone once it can keep happening so I was worried about it effecting training.

It hasn't been a problem though as time passed it became obvious my toes are ok and there has been no reoccurence of pulling the muscle in my calf.

The bruises are sore but they are just bruises. They kept me awake because I move around a lot in bed and the worst bruise is at the bottom of my back/top of my bum on the left hand side. It is all worse on the left as that was the foot that went out from under me so everything on my left hit first. So last night every time I rolled over to the left it hurt so i was trying not to and that was making it difficult to sleep.

Another 2lb

Got wighed this morning and am 102.7kg 16st 3lb so I've lost another 2lb this week.

I'm trying to think well it's weight lost, I'm less this week than last week but to be honest that isn't what I'm thinking.

What I'm thinking is IT'S NOT FAIR! and I want to cry. I'm using all my anual leave for this and working out for hours a day and averaging 1200 calories a day. most day's I'm absolutely exhaused. I didn't update my blog properly over the weekend because I was simply too tired to even do that.

That is not sustainable eventually I have to go back to work and my normal life and then what? If this is what it takes for me to lose 2lb a week.

I'm seriously close to giving up, totally and just accepting that I am an obese person, it's just how I'm ment to be. I can't live the rest of my life like this. I can't live the rest of my life battling to not be obese every single minute never doing or thinking about anything else. What sort of life is that? and I'd have to win the lottery to enable it to be the only thing I ever do.

Other people aren't like this, why am I. I really do work hard. I really am trying.

I hardly slept last night thanks to the bruises from falling on the stairs yesterday but I still got up at 6am so I could get to the pool and do my early morning swimming as per schedual before taking my dad to his group and then to the gym.

I can't do anymore than I'm doing.

comfort eating

I'm really struggling with the urge to comfort eat today. sometimes things happen that brings the way things are home. As long as I'm posting on facebook about baking cakes for my friends then everyone is my best friend. I post that I've just fallen down the stairs and am in pain and it's ignored.

People know my situation, they know I'm single and live alone, I don't have any family who give a shit about me other than what I can do for them, I have no friends nearby and yet I post that with no indication to how seriously I've been injured and no one cares. Quick I'd better bake some more cakes so people notice me.

That, and the fact I'm in pain, is currently making me want to comfort eat and I really really want to eat.

akward situation

Now if I'd been as good today as I was yesterday I could have avoided John possibly thinking I'm stalking him.

Yesterday when I needed a couple of things I decided to be good, rather than drive to the supermarket I walked to the shop, just under 2 mile in total there and back (up hill all the way back).

Today I discovered there was no bread just as I was about to make poached egg on toast for lunch to I popped down to the shop in the car. As I walked to the car I saw John was already in his car. He pulled out and drove down the road, I pulled out and drove down the road after him.

With each turn I was thinking things like 'he's going the same way, I wonder if he's going to the shop too, yep I'm still following him it's looking pretty certain' He pulled up outside the shop and went in. I pulled up next to his car (it was the only space left) and went in too. I should have walked.

I wonder if he's scared hahaha.

Todays craving

Todays craving is bacon butties, also toast with butter.

I have period pains again today. Yes it is still ongoing, perhaps it really is time to go back to the doc.

RPM

There's no RPM today - I'm in heaven. My bum is thankful.

food

I'm really really craving bad food today. I have stuck to the diet and will continue to but for some reason today I just really want a chocolate bar or a piece of that chocolate cake that's in the kitchen that everyone keeps telling me is really nice or fish and chips, oh yes I would love some fish and chips or jacket potato with butter and a mountain of full fat cheese. pepperoni pizza, crisp sandwiches, cheesecake, cheese and crackers.

My mouth is watering.

I wonder if any of this was activated by the subliminal message of the number plate on the car opposite me in the car park as I sat at a weight machine at the window in the gym.

No word of a lie it was EAT(then some numbers)

oops

I would like to start by pointing out that I did not have a tantrum and rip the paper towel holder from the wall and throw it across the Spinning studio at Matt because RPM was too hard - honest.

What actually happened was at the end of the class when we were off the bikes doing the stretches. I started to lose my balance so put my hand out to put it on the wall but actually hit the paper towel holder, which turned out wasn't fastened down. I knocked it flying across the room bouncing between the bikes and you wouldn't believe the racket it made. Each time it hit the floor was like a thunder clap.

I think fate was just trying to prove I was wrong the other week when I said I couldn't have had more attention drawn to me. Now this time I really couldn't have drawn more attention to myself if I'd done cartwheels across the room. Of course by this point everyone in the room was looking at me, Matt was making jibes about me wrecking the gym and people were laughing, but you know what, so was I.

Ok I was mildly embarrassed but I could see the funny side. Like Matt said, I try to hide at the back of the room then do that. I laughed, picked it up and put it back and carried on.

I didn't run away and cry and that must mean that I'm feeling more comfortable in there and have stopped being scared of those people, even mental shouting girl.

All these RPM classes are taking there toll though, My bum hurts and I have a bruise on the inside of my left thigh. It's better now I'm on a bike that doesn't have the rubber bit missing but it still digs in. I don't know why it digs more into my left thigh than my right. I have tried sitting more to that side but can't stay like that, I'm not in the center when I do. Is my left leg fatter than my right? It's rather strange.

The thought occured to me during todays class that perhaps if I put a support bandage on my thigh it will both protect it a bit and maybe squeeze it in enough for it not to digg in. Worth a try.

Now I just need to put a cushion on the seat.

Day 19

I'm very tired.

knee

My knee has swollen up at one side making it a very strange shape.

Day 18

Day started with a RPM class. Really hard work, burned 650 cal. Then this afternoon I did a cardio and weights sesssion worked hard and again burned over 600 cal. I was supposed to go running this evening but as I can't I did a second RPM class

Yes that's right, 2 RPM classes in one day. I forgot to start my watch at the beginning and I didn't burn as much as I was so exhausted I just couldn't do as much as in the first class but it was over 500 cal.

I'm a bit tired now.

Diet has been good.

I know what I need to do so I really need not stop being a whimp about it and make the changes I should have made quite a while back.

hmmm I'll hang on a couple of days and see what happens.

To run or not to run that is the question.

I'm having a problem with my knee, well both knees actually but the left is much much worse than the right.

until very recently it was just the odd twinge every now and then but it has suddenly got really bad quickly. Just a couple of days ago I was saying it was ok if I was on even ground but that has gone out of the window. It is now really painful even walking at the moment even just moving around the house. I have tried to run twice today and even with the knee support on I couldn't it hurt too much and I had to walk.

Now I'm thinking it has got worse because I've pushed myself to carry on despite it hurting when I know full well what it needs to get better is for me to stop. Why have I done that? Because it is the great north run in 4 weeks.

The thing is, now I really think about this, I'm not doing the gnr for charity this year and actually the only reason I'm doing it is I want to beat last years time. I have 3 year membership so there is nothing to stop me doing that next year.

The thing I really need to focus on right now is the London Marathon and the best thing for that is to allow my knee to get better, lose weight so I don't keep buggering them up so hopefully I'm in good condition to train for the marathon.

As for this biggest loser 6 weeks, if you take gnr out of the equasion it is simply about losing weight, which was the aim originally and it was just coincidence it ended with the great north run. You don't have to run to lose weight. There are pleanty of low impact alternatives which will allow my knee to get better as I lose weight.

So it is looking at the moment like it would be best to pull out of the great north run. And this isn't me throwing a strop and saying I can't do it etc, it's just looking at it all rationally it seems the most sensible thing to do.

Day 17

Things are back to normal today. I've worked damn hard and stuck to my diet. Had baked salmon again tonight. yum yum! Never thought I would say that about fish.

Started the day with early session at the gym. 10 min sumit trainer, 10 minutes bike, 10 minutes cross trainer, another 10 minutes sumit trainer, another 10 minutes bike then I had to leave to take my dad to the doctor.

Then 2 mile run before lunch, then 5 mile run after lunch and ab work in the evening.

There is a problem though. My knee is now really really painful and stopping me from running. Even with the knee support on. I have tried twice today to run and both times I've had to give up and walk because of the pain and even that hurt.

It has now got so bad that it is hurting all the time and even just around the house.

Day 16

Rest day. I did no exercise but I did try to get back to my diet and regretted the things I ate the day before. Having said that I still didn't get back to it properly, I made some bad choices, yes I mixed the tuna with loads of mayo and put butter on the potato.

At no point through this did I have a full on binge though. I ate some bad things and made some bad choices but I didn't stuff myself. Still shouldn't have done it.

As I had planned before my weigh in I spent part of my rest day backing a cheesecake and a chocolate chip fudge cake for 2 reasons. 1 - I like baking. 2- I wanted to prove to myself that baking doesn't have to mean breaking my diet, I can do it without eating any myself and I did. Not one morsel of either has passed my lips.

They have passed a lot of other peoples lips though haha.

Day 15

You may or may not have gathered I wasn't very happy about the 2lb. Absolutely utterly devistated is more like it.

My diet had been perfect all week. In fact I don't even have the calories it says on my diet as I have re done every recipe to reduce the calories and reduced the portion sizes plus I often don't get round to eating everything it says. I doubt it ever gets much over 1000 cals and is probably often under.

And I had worked damn hard every single day except my rest day. I was utterly exhausted and every bit of my body hurt. At one point Stephen said to me 'are you going to make that noise every time you stand up for these 6 weeks?' and I said 'I expect so'

so after all that to get on the scales and find I've only lost 2lb was awful. You would expect to lose that and more just going on a diet. I've taken all my anual leave for this, that isn't sustainable or long term and I'm not managing anything more than I would expect without that.

I was very upset. Yes I spent most of the day crying about it. I figured what was the point? If that is what it takes for me to lose 2lb what am I supposed to do, never work and spend every minute of my life doing nothing but fighting against being obese?

I thought damned if I do, damned if I don't and ate quite a few things I shouldn't have done. Though I did still do the exercise on my plan.

I have lost 2lb

I don't believe this. I woke once in the night feeling queezy and struggled to get back to sleep then this morning I've woke with bad period pains again. I feel really really sick and back pains and stomach pains. Then I discover that just as I thought it was coming to an end it's really heavy again.

This is rediculous. I'm fucking sick of it. I'm sat here in bed now feeling really lousy when I've booked every bit of anual leave I have to concentrate on my training.

I'm sorry if anyone reading this is grossed out and thinking 'I didn't need to know' but if that's the case don't read it. I'm pretty open and frank about most things including this and to be honest don't see any reason not to be especially as it effects my training.

Day 14

8 mile walk this morning. Much better than last week I actually enjoyed it mainly because it wasn't raining and wasn't cold. I wore my fleece a couple of times for a very short time.

The only problem was my knee. My left knee is getting worse and worse and was really quite painful today. It was ok when on the flat or even up or downhill as long as it was smooth but going over stoney paths was really bad. It slowed me down a lot. I'm going to have to find that knee suport.

Even though It was better than last week I was knackered by the time I got home and legs and feet hurt a lot. I decided to try and have a nap though I've kept saying I can't do that as I can't sleep during the day.

I laid there thinking 'this is silly I'm never going to be able to sleep' Then woke up 3/4 hour later.

Went swimming this evening. I swam 32 lengths and almost all without stopping. I stopped at length 26 because my neck was hurting. After that I kept trying to swim with my face in the water for a couple of strokes at a time but I'm no good at that.

I was at length 20 before I realised I hadn't stopped so was pleased with that. No matter what the scales say tomorrow I'm definitely getting stronger.

Weigh in tomorrow. I'm worried I won't have lost anything. I should have done. my diet has been spot on and I've worked hard every day (except rest day) but it's week 2 and I lost 11 lb last week and I don't lose weight easily. What my body does doesn't always make sense.

Well I'll find out in the morning I supose.

My Boobs have shrunk! My bra's don't fit! That is not the part of my body I wanted to shrink!

Stop laughing!

Day 13

Another RPM class this morning and I managed better today.

I turned up at the gym at 7.30am to make sure I reserved a bike by the door and found the gym was shut. It doesn't open until 8 haha how keen am I?

I got the bike closest to the door that wasn't the one with the rubber bit missing and no one sat in front of me - Bonus! Everyone else is way better than me but I managed.

I felt ok (emotionally) until talk started of - is anyone leaving - when we were part way through and I couldn't help wondering if they were laughing at me. Then I did want to leave, but I didn't, I stayed and finished it.

It seems a bit strange that all I have to do today is the RPM class and a gym circuit. I might have gone out and ran even though Matt said not to but I have period pains again so I'll do as I'm told.

I don't feel ill like yesterday but have pains in my back. I'm getting really fed up of this. It's rediculous. I long for the days when it would start, be about 4 or 5 days and then stop and I could forget about it for a month. I can't believe I used to complain. I really should go back to the doctor though to be honest I'm scared it'll end in either hysterectomy or being told it's the menopaus and that's the end of the last gimmer of hope of having a baby.

day whatever it is

The rest of the day went better. By mid afternoon I was feeling fine so went to the gym and tried to make up for what I'd not done that morning and then this evening I went out for a lampost run as planned. Quite enjoyed it, the sun was shining but with my fleece on it wasn't too hot or too cold.

So back on track hopefully. RPM class in the morning.

Fostering

Social services have seriously pissed me off today. The whole point of taking all my anual leave was to eliminate the stress of dealing with them. Today a social worker phoned me up and readily admitted she knew I was on anual leave and had no good excuse for phoning me anyway. She basically just decided to ignore that I'm on leave because it suited her.

Because she hadn't contacted me about a child before I went on leave as she should have done.

I am so fuming I keep thinking of phoning back and telling them I quit. But I know that financially I can't do that.

My reason for fostering is still the children but my reason for not quitting is purely the money.

Wondering

I'm starting to question some things and wondering if it is time for a change.

I think I need to have a think about what is actually helpful.

Bad Morning.

Today has really not gone well so far. I was supposed to be doing a 6mile run this morning but that has turned into a 4 mile walk.

I have tried not to let the time of the month effect things and I have certainly managed that with the food and mostly with the exercise. Up until today if it has effected the exercise it has been hardly at all.

But last night it started again and I felt sick. I don't sleep well when Stephen is out anyway as he was last night (and these days he doesn't get in until after 5am) but added to that I just felt queezy all night and couldn't sleep and the few times I did manage to fall asleep I was having strange dreams and waking up feeling bad and also in a panick wondering if Stephen was home yet.

This morning I still felt sick and also felt light headed and woozy. I set off running and made it to the end of the road. I walked up the hill and then tried running again. For about 2 mile I kept part walking part running though I think there was more walking than running and then after that I walked another 2 miles and just gave up.

I still feel ill. My head is woozy, i don't feel right and I still feel queezy and pains in my back.

If I really was on the biggest loser I would be getting chucked out this week.

Day 11

Despite feeling crap I did what I was supposed to this morning, well sort of. I went for my 2 mile run but just couldn't manage it. I ran most of it, I'd say over 3/4 but I walked up the big hill and my finishing time was 34 minutes. 4 minutes longer than last time.

Then I went to the RPM class. I really wasn't looking forward to that after last time. I got there early enough to reserve a bike next to the door and it turned out to be a very small class, only 6 people, I think.

It was deffinitely better without pmt and knowing I could escape if I needed to. I was also more prepared for not being able to hear and paid more attention to what Matt was doing than what he was saying and copied him. I did seem to be able to hear more too though but I think a big part of that was lip reading.

I don't think I'll ever like RPM, in fact I hate it, but it didn't make me want to cry today.

Then I suddenly got a pain in the inside of my thigh, and again with each turn. I looked down and realised the rubber bit was missing off the end of the metal bit the seat is attached to and it was jabbing into both my thighs with each turn. I couldn't carry on like that so I stopped and moved to the next bike.

The fact that that was happening because my thighs are fat didn't escape me.

I had just got the new bike set up and got on and I looked up and realised I'd put myself directly behind someone and could no longer see Matt. That made following what I was supposed to be doing for the rest of the class much more difficult.

I just can't win with those RPM classes can I.

Anyway I deffinitely didn't do as well as anyone else there but I didn't run away I completed the whole class and this time I flipping did work hard.

I was absolutely knackered but by the time I went back for my cardio and weights session I was feeling much better. I did work hard again and again I was absolutely knackered but by the time I went for my walk later I was feeling much better again.

I'm now wondering if this treand today of speedy recovery is a result of getting fitter and going to continue or if it is just because it is the first day after a rest day.

I really enjoyed the walk. I went a way I've not been before but have often wondered where it goes. It was really nice, there are some beautiful areas around here but why why why do the most beautiful walks end up at some point with me on a slippery slanty path next to a huge drop? It scares the life out of me. I don't like it.

The biggest suprise today is that for tea I made oven baked salmon and steamed broccoli and I didn't hate it! In fact... if I'm totally honest I thought it was quite nice.

I'm so looking forward to Matt saying I told you so.

Not looking forward to today

My body has finally decided to get on with it and start properly and I have realised that the period pains I had before were just mild tremors before the main event.

Hell I feel awful and I've now got to go do a 2 mile run and then an RPM class. Still looking on the brightside hopefully this means all the bloating will definitely be gone before Mondays weigh in.

I plan on getting to the gym an hour before the class to make sure I reserve a bike by the door so I can run away when I want.

cooking day

All the cooking done. Bland and tasteless with everything unhealthy taken out. I don't care what they say quorn is NOT the same and I don't believe reduced fat cheese is actually cheese.

So tomorrow I have a 2 mile run before breakfast, a RPM class, a weights and cardio session and an hour walk. I'm so looking forward to it.

I wish today was longer.

Best bit of today was watching the weigh in on the biggest loser thinking 'I beat him... I beat her...' I beat everyone except one man who equled me at 11lb lost.

oh ok, so it's my first week. I don't care It still felt good.

Biggest Loser

I'm currently watching the biggest loser and am thinking 'I'm so glad Matt doesn't watch this' I'm not going to say why in case he reads this and it gives him ideas. No one in the RPM class would ever forgive me.

Then the trainer is screaming at them 'STOP CRYING AND GO' Maybe matt isn't so bad hahaha.

Today is a rest day and I'm so relieved. I don't think I could have done another day. I still ache but I'm using today to cook, so that everything is ready the rest of the week in the freezer when I need it. I'm making shepherds pie, chilli con carne, bolognese (I'll cook the spaghetti to go with it when I need it) and lasagne.

Healthy versions of the recipe's I have, leaving out as much fat as possible, using quorn mince and things like that.

I parked in the furthest away spot when I went to the supermarket but that is as much exercise as I've done today.

I didn't get out of bed until 9am. I don't think I've stayed in bed that late in my entire adult life.

Day 9 in the Halifax biggest loser house.

I've just finnished the last thing I have to do today and that is it, no more until Thursday. Thank God! I didn't know it was possible to be this exhausted.

I started this morning with my 2 mile run. At one point I looked at my watch and it said 24 minutes and I didn't think I was that far from home. It seemed certain I would beat my previous time and that spurred me on. When I rounded the corner onto my road I decided to run the final bit as fast as I could and I did. As I reached my house I looked at my watch - 30 minutes, exactly the same as last time.

Then at lunch time I went swimming again. This time I really enjoyed it. For some reason it seemed easier this time and I went faster. I even had to move into the medium lane at one point. I didn't count my lengths yesterday but I did today and I did 30 so I'll see how that compares to next time.

This afternoon I went to the gym but by then I was absolutely shattered and just wanted to sleep. I tried but didn't really do that much. I did 10 minutes on the subit trainer. then some weights then 10 minutes on the bike and then some more weights but not much and then I gave up.

This evening I was supposed to do a 3 mile run. I didn't know how I was even going to attempt it the way I was feeling but I didn't do bad. I didn't run it all but I ran quite a bit probably a little bit less than half which was more than I thought I was going to be able to do.

I'm soooo tired. I haven't even got the energy to go finish cleaning the bathroom. Still I have all day tomorrow. Or then again I might just sleep.

Don't want to!

Do you think if I cry and stamp my feet and say 'I DON'T WANT TO!' it'll get me out of doing the 3 mile run I still have to do today?

I'm so very very tired.

Day 8 not 7

I miscounted somewhere didn't I. I had 2 day 6's. I'm so exhausted I can't count.

I've already posted about this morning but one thing I didn't talk about was something that really pissed me off at the gym. I sat down and had a coffee before setting off on the walk home and as I did I had a quick look through the Daily Mail as they always have a stack of them at the gym.

There was a story about a woman who was actually a shot putter but had been given the chance to run in that big Athletic thing that's happening at the moment. Being a shot putter she is quite a hefty lady and obviously came last.

Was the story congratulating her on going for it rather than turn it down and doing her best, going out there in front of everyone and going for it? No of course not, They printed pictures of her running and called her thunder thighs!

Is it any wonder that obese people daren't exercise or get help because they are scared of people laughing at them? It made me really angry.

I have discovered something this evening. I'm not as good at swimming as I thought. I think I've been comparing myself to children too long. Although I am always taking children swimming and have taught many children to swim it is a very very long time since I went swimming myself. I actually don't remember the last time.

I know I was quite good at school. There were others much better than me but many more worse, I was certainly towards the top end of the scale and after swimming at school stopped in the second year I used to go before school. Actually that was how I learned to dive. I doubt it would be allowed now but there was a man who used to go swimming early too that talked to me from time to time and I said that I couldn't dive and he said I would be able to if someone bothered to tell me how properly.

So he did, and he was right.

Anyway I digress. I arrived at the pool this evening and there were 3 sections fast, medium and slow. I didn't know which I was so I thought I'll start in the slow section, probably move up to medium and then see if I need to move into the fast bit.

I got in and remembered Matt telling me to make sure I worked hard so set off arms and legs going like mad... and hardly moved. I couldn't even keep up with the people in the slow section. There were a couple of old women swimming side by side and chatting who were going faster than me.

I was crap!

I considered having a goal at front crawl a couple of times but I never dare do that because I don't really know what I'm doing and will probably look silly or splash loads without realising it. So I didn't.

It wasn't long before I was exhaused. I really expected to be swimming constantly for 45mins but actually had to stop every couple of lengths. When I got out my legs were wobbly and I had trouble walking back to the changing room.

In the past when people have said that they go swimming for exercise I have thought that swimming isn't real exercise. I may have to revise that thought.

One thing I did love though. I don't think the novelty will ever wear off of being able to see the clock. I'm in the pool, and everything is crystal clear. Fantastic. If anyone reading this is short sighted what you waiting for? Go get your eyes lasered.

First weigh in

At 10am today I had my first weekly weigh in. I am now 104.6kg which is 16st 7lb which means I have lost 11lb. I'm fairly pleased with that. It's not a stone and believe me I've bleeding well worked enough for a stone but I need to remember the bloating.

My fat % has gone from 47.6 to 47.5 which isn't much but what really suprises me is my BMI has gone from 34.7 to 33.0 which seems more than I would expect compared to the fat %

This morning I part ran part walked the just over 3 miles to the gym. Had a session with Matt including getting weighed and then walked home uphill. It took me forever to get home, I thought I was never going to get here, my legs felt like lead. It is all uphill including 2 very steep hills, one of them (not the one I sent you a photo of Michelle, the other one) I swear is practically vertical.

I've been sat here thinking my god I feel almost as bad as I did when I did the 10 mile yesterday. Then I thought about it, it adds up to about 6.5 mile part running and a session at the gym. That must be equal to walking 10 mile.

weigh in day.

The day has started off well. Had the report from my hr watch which tells me I have worked off over 9000 cal during exercise this week. That's good.

I'm quite nervouse about getting weighed today but aren't going to get too hung up on it because I'm really really bloated. My soddin period keeps starting and stopping and starting and stopping. Can't make it's mind up what it's doing and I feel like a flipping water balloon.

And I have period pains again. That's one of the most annoying things about it. Every time it stops and starts again it completely starts again including the period pains.

ooo I've just remembered last night I dreamt Matt fixed me up with a job with Jamie Oliver. That isn't related to anything else except that I have just remembered it whilst typing this.

6 weeks of torture day 6

well setting off at 7am to walk 10 miles with period pains and feeling sick wasn't the most ecstatic moment of my life but I did it.

It was hell, it was cold and raining and the route I took the paths weren't exactly easy. When I got back I looked like I had a sunburned face (yeah like the sun ever appeared) but it was actually from the wind and rain against my face. I was absolutely soaked and tired and my feet and legs and shoulders all hurt so much.

However I was pleased that I managed to stick to the exact route I had plotted out and never got lost though I wasn't 100% sure I was taking the right path a couple of times. It did feel sooo good to sit down when I got home.

I did go to the gym to do my 90 minutes cardio and weights but it didn't go too well. the more I did the more dizzy and sick I felt. After the bike and some weights I got on the cross trainer and every time I started to move the room was spinning and I felt like I was going to throw up and was having all on to push the peddles. So I gave up and came home.

I still feel sick and dizzy.

I'm thinking maybe I should take Matts advice about sleeping between sessions.

10 mile!!!!

Oh great! so today I have to walk 10 mile and then do a 90 minute cardio/weights session with period pains. That's going to be fun isn't it?

Oh well, I never hear them mention it on the biggest loser so they obviously don't make allowances for it and no matter what the time of month I'm still fat.

So off I go.

bad night to follow the bad day?

I don't want to spend half the night crying until I fall asleep. I don't want to wake up in the morning with sore swollen eyes and absolutely knackered before I even start.

I wan't to go to sleep now, get a good nights sleep and wake up in the morning ready for my 10 mile walk, but I'm still upset and wound up and AWAKE and also I again haven't had the email I was promised and am getting stressed about that.

I fear I'm heading more towards option 1.

biggest loser day 6

Well despite how horrible today has been and how upset I've been all day I have eaten nothing I shouldn't have done.

I went to the early morning RPM class today and it was awful absolutely horrible, worse than that first time because this time I was trapped and couldn't get away.

When I went in there was supposed to have been a bike saved for me by the door but there wasn't. I had to go right to the far side of the room. Then it started, everyone else knew what they were doing. I hadn't considered the possibility I could have forgotten everything but now I think about it I did, I think, 4 of the beginner sessions and then 2 or 3 proper ones and that was all and was over a year ago. I also found that I couldn't hear a word Matt was saying, not a word, I just couldn't make it out and I don't think I adjusted the bike right because it hurt my back.

It was like being in a nightmare, just awful, I wanted to get out but couldn't because I was at the far side of the room. The bikes go right to the back with no room to go behind them and are close together so I would have had to walk right though to get out. I wanted to cry but knew I had to stop myself because I was trapped there in that room full of people. It was really taking every bit of concentration I had to stop myself from crying.

I thought just stay on the bike, keep my legs moving and don't draw attention to myself until it's over and I can get out of here. I kept looking at the clock and it didn't seem to be moving. I wasn't exactly working hard but I wasn't even thinking about that I was just trying not to cry.

Then something happened that I'm not going to talk about but basically I couldn't have drawn more attention to myself if I'd done cartwheels through the room. So I got off the bike and walked out.

I just got out of that gym as fast as I could. I sat in the car for a while and cried. I had no choice, as soon as I was out of sight of people I burst into tears and couldn't exactly drive. What I wanted to do more than anything was give up, completely, just like last time I wanted to get out of there and never go back. I wanted to go home and eat comforting things and curl up and cry for the rest of the day.

But what is different this time to last time is what I am in the process of doing. I've pinned a lot on this and staked all my holidays on it. Which is a big thing for me as once I'm back it's 7 days a week and as a single carer using up all my holidays really is a big thing. Time is limited, once it's over it's over and so is my chance to make a major difference to my life. I can't quit and I don't have the time to be upset and then decide to go back in a few days.

I came home and ate what I'm supposed to eat, oh and for some additional exercise I lifted a tumble drier down from a shelf that is high enough to be just above my washer and then after the new one was delivered I lifted it up onto the shelf. Ok so i couldn't do it in one go. I had to put a chair there and lift it onto the chair and then from the chair to the shelf but it was bloody hard work.

In the afternoon I went back to the gym. I was supposed to do an upper body workout but I didn't really know what that meant so I just did a combination of cardio and weights.

After that I kept putting off the lampost run. I just didn't want to. I was still really upset and that made me feel tired and like I just couldn't be bothered. I really really didn't want to so jumped at the excuse when it started pouring down.

Stephen went out, there was nothing on tv (I'm starting to see why they don't have tv or internet in the biggest loser, maybe I should ban myself from them like I was originally going to do) and no one to talk to online. I don't feel I have any place within join me anymore and there was nothing on facebook and I was sill upset, I felt very very alone... nothing new there really.

The rain had stopped and I though 'I should stop making excuses and go' so I did. As soon as I was out there I was glad I had. I felt so much better out there running than sitting at home alone and upset.

I have also plotted out a 10 mile walk for tomorrow.

It has been a horrible day but I'm quite pleased that I have done everything right despite that (except the RPM class)

Bad Day.

Not having a good day. Actually having a really really bad day and really really really want to eat bad things.

biggest loser day 5

Woke up this morning fresh from my rest day. Did my 2 mile run in 30minutes which means I knocked 3 minutes off my previous time.

the next thing was a 5 mile run at 11am. Though Matt did say I probably wouldn't manage that at this stage so it will be part run part walk. After doing so well with this mornings run I thought if I go up to ogden where it is relatively flat 5 mile is 4 times round - I can do that!

No I can't!

I managed to run constantly for about 1 3/4 laps after that I ran a bit, walked a bit but walked the last lap and a half with no running.

I'm not bothered about not running all of it as I had already run 2 miles and I know I did as much as I could and worked hard. The way I see it with each day I'm getting lighter an my muscles are getting stronger. so I'll be able to run further soon enough.

I did do something stupid though. Because I didn't want to be needing the toilet all the time when running I drank very little this morning. By the time I got back from the 5 miles I was quite light headed and not feeling well. It was obvious I was dehydrated so I started drinking as much water as possible but it was too late, I've not been well all afternoon and still aren't too good now.

I had to go buy a new tumble drier this afternoon and I was in the shop looking at them when I went really dizzy... really dizzy. I stood still and waited for it to pass and it did but it took a lot longer than I would have expected, I was starting to get worried.

Because of that I didn't go and do my weights session at 3 like I was supposed to, I gave myself longer to recover. I did go though and do everything I was supposed to, just later than intended.

I'm in bed now hoping to get to sleep early so I'm wide awake for the RPM class in the morning.

I really hope I've lost a fair bit of weight this week. I should have done but I don't know as I've been good and not weighed myself. I made a lot of bold statements after getting weighed on Monday. Things like losing a stone in the first week. I think I've watched too many episodes of the biggest loser.

I know realisticaly a stone is unlikely so I'm not going to be bothered about that but I really hope after all the effort I've put in this week it is a decent weight loss.

Biggest loser day 4

thursday 13th August

It was a rest day today. It was also my son's 18th Birthday. Just because it was a rest day it doesn't mean I was lazy and binge ate. I was very good. Ok so I didn't do much because I was spending time with Stephen on his birthday and letting him torture me with his music when I wasn't driving or sitting in a restaurant. But when I went to the supermarket I still parked in the furthest away spot and when I went to JJB's at birstall I ignored the escalator and walked briskly up the stairs.

I was particularly proud of myself in the restauant. I don't like fish. Matt keeps saying he wants to put it on my diet but I don't have to eat it if I really don't like it. I said I will do at least for these 6 weeks. We went to Frankie and Bennies. So many yummy things on the menu. The old me would have said 'well my son only turns 18 once, it's a celebration, it's not every day I come here' but I didn't I looked at the menu and there were no healthy starters so I didn't have one. There were a couple of relatively healthy choices for main course but most I couldn't really be sure what was in them and I thought. Well if I have fish here I know it's cooked right as I'm not sure what I'm doing and my house won't stink of fish.

So I had baked salmon, steamed veg and a jacket potato with no butter. I ignored all the things I really wanted. I knew Stephen wanted desert and wouldn't have any if it was just him so I had the lemon and mango sorbet. I would have prefered the caramel and pecan cheesecake.

Biggest Loser day 3

When I woke this morning I don't think there was a single bit of my body that didn't hurt however I seemed to manage better than Tuesday as i did manage to run the whole 2 miles. It took me 33 minutes. It wasn't easy and I felt like I was dying by the end of it but I managed it.

At 11 I had a boxing session with Matt. I really do enjoy that. It's fun even if I do feel silly doing it. I was absolutely exhausted though. It was really difficult. Then just to finish it off Matt put me on the stair master which was torture.

At 3 I did a weights circuit at the gym. That was ok but I couldn't do the shoulder press. I just couldn't do it. Think I will have to do that more often and keep trying.

After that I went to give blood. It is the first time I have done that for about 9 or 10 years and it has never bothered me in the past but this time it did. As I was on my way home I went really hot and started feeling woozy. With hinesite I probably should have pulled over but I didn't think of that at the time. It continued all evening so I didn't go for the walk or do the ab work.

biggest loser day 2

When I woke up on Tuesday morning I HURT! I started to realise that maybe Matt had had a point. I had been whinging about the exercise plan and saying that I wasn't sure it was enough. I kept going on about how the people on the biggest loser do 6 hours a day. Matt said that what was planned was enough and if we did more that that at this point by week 2 I wouldn't be able to do anything.

I reluctantly agreed but that was partly why I went a lot further than I was supposed to on last nights walk.

This morning I struggled. I really struggled to get out of bed and put my things on and go out for my 2 mile run. I tried, I really did but I just couldn't make my legs keep going. I eventually had to give up trying to run and walk. The route I take means I go back passed my house before I'm finished and I considered just going home but thought no, if I can't run it I can at least finish it walking and then at least I'm burning some calories. so I did, but I was pretty fed up about it.

At 11 I went to the gym for a cardio session. I did summit trainer, bike and cross trainer but I didn't do as much as I would usually do on them because I was struggling so much (I also hadn't slept well Monday night)

Back to the gym at 3 for a weights session. That went ok but when I just do weights it seems to be over quickly and then I'm at a loss as to what I should be doing. i think I'm better doing both cardio and weights together. If I do them alternate it means I can manage more cardio and I'm not wondering what to do when the weights are over.

In the evening I went for a walk but this time stuck to the plan. I put 2.2kg worth of weights in a rucksack and took Bonnie for a walk. I thought I would struggle with the rucksack but I actually hardly even noticed it. I walked onto a area that is just on the road where I haven't been for ages (now I can drive I tend to go to Ogden instead) and when I got to a section where you can carry on at the top where it is easy or you can follow a path that goes down the banking I was about to follow the top path out of habit but then thought about it.

That bottom path has a very steep difficult bit that I was never able to get past. It scared me just looking at it and I knew I couldn't do it but one time I did try and ended up on my hands and knees hanging on and had to scramble back up to where I'd come from. I used to let the kids go that way and I'd walk along the top.

I thought 'I bet I can do it now' so went that way. I started thinking about something else, my mind was wondering, then I suddenly realised I was passed what I used to think was the scary bit and was on my way up the other side. I had walked down it without even thinking about it.

That put me in a brilliant mood. I may have put weight back on and be more unfit than the stage I did manage to get to but there is nothing like a reminder like that of how much more I can do and how much easier things are than before I started to put a big smile on my face.

Then I got to the bit where you have to go back up to the top path. I used to watch the kids scrambling up there and wonder how on earth they managed it 'it's practically vertical!' I went up it and yes, it's steep, it made me pant but it really wasn't that bad, it is a very short distance.

Then the next part. Again 2 choices. Carry on the top path where it is completely flat or follow the path that goes back down to the more interesting leafy, meadowy part. I did used to go down there because the path going down is much more gentle and when you get down there you again have 2 choices walk along the flat or there are very steep mounds and dips where kids ride their bikes and skateboards. My kids would run up and down them whilst I stood on the flat bit panicking and covering my face and shouting at them to be careful.

When I got to that bit I walked up to the top of one of the mounds and looked down and thought 'dare I?' and walked down and up the other side (maybe next time I'll run) then I walked on and got to the next one which was even steeper. I was very unsure about that one, took a step forward and felt the ground start to move under my foot, stepped back and walked round. HAHAHA I'm still a wuss.

At the end of that bit there is again a steep banking to get back up to the top path. That was always the end of the walk. I would turn around and retrace my steps back home. Not now, I went up the banking and carried on the top path that now went into a more rocky path that I never used to go on because it was past the point I turned around. When I got to the end of there I looked at my watch and it was about time to be heading home anyway so it worked out really well.

When I got home it had been 50minutes, just 5 minutes over what I was supposed to be doing and I had really enjoyed it so that was a good end to the second day.

Biggest Loser day 1

When I woke up on Monday morning I felt ill. Overeating to excess and with very unhealthy fatty food when you have no gall bladder is not a good idea. I had been feeling gradually worse for a while and Monday was really bad.

Still, I couldn't give in on day one so I set off and ran 2 mile before breakfast as Matt had instructed. I was suprised at how difficult it was. I had been saying to myself 'it's only 2 miles' I mean I did 13 miles (though didn't run it all) on the great north run. But it seems I'm back to struggling with just 2 mile. Just goes to show how unfit I've got again.

I'm not back to how I was though. I'm not 21st 7lb and unable to run at all like I used to be.

Then I went to the gym where Matt weighed me and took photos. He was going to measure me too but we both forgot. The photos weren't that good because what I was wearing pretty much covered everything.

I weigh 109.9kg which is 17st 4lb

17st 4lb !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh my god. That is just awful.

My body fat is 47.6% and my bmi is 34.7

I had already been thinking about the photos and thought no matter how awful I wanted realistic and accurate before pictures showing what I manage to achieve. On the biggest loser they take the photos in shorts and sports bra's so if they can do that so can I. So I did my own later at home. Though it is actually really difficult taking photos of yourself. getting the camera in the right position.

I was supposed to go out for a 45 minute walk with a weighted rucksack that evening. I forgot the rucksack but ended up walking for 1hr 40minutes. When I set off I walked down the road but then I decided to go find a park I knew was in the area. It's a strange place, you would be unlikely to find it if you didn't know it was there even though it is a big park and woodland. It is totally surrounded by houses with just little paths here and there that lead into it. I had lived in the area for years without ever knowing about it until one day I was walking Bonnie with the children and said 'lets go see where that path leads.

It was nice to go back there, it is a long time since I last went there and the path back up through the woodland is quite hard work. I was pretty exhausted by the time I got home. Then I did ab work and press ups.

Right now I'm going to post the photos Matt took and the photo's I took. They are pretty horrendous but I don't care because that isn't going to be me anymore.

biggest loser

ok so I haven't been doing my blog since starting on Monday as promised but I have a rest day tomorrow so will definitly do it then. With photos - shocking photos. But if the people on the biggest loser can let the world see them like that I can let a handful of people see them and then see the change.

Shorts and sports bra just like they do on the biggest loser.

Does anyone actually read this? I'd be very suprised if they do. Not really much point continuing.

Butlins day 2

I've been very well behaved today. I had branflakes, yogurt and fruit for breakfast, Half a chicken baguette for lunch (I shared it with chloe). A pair for a snack. For tea I got the turkey, potato gratin and green beans. Potato gratin isn't eactly healthy but it's not that bad and is the only thing that wasn't. It wasn't as nice as the potato gratin I make though.

It turned out the turkey was wrapped round a sausage so I gave the sausage to Chloe. I was still hungry but again didn't have any pudding. I went and got some salad instead. I was a bit bad putting crutons and mayo on it but looking at the day overall I think it has been pretty good. I've also had another pair this evening (the fruit was stolen at breakfast time)

I got the step out but the problem is I'm in an upstairs chellet and when I started the noise it made there is no way I could carry on so that was a complete waste of time bringing it.

I'm quite pleased with myself today, especially considering Butlins makes me flippin miserable and so I want to eat.

Day 1 at Butlins

Got up at 4am to drive to Butlins in Bognor Regis. The journey took much longer than expected. First there was roadworks on the M1 then there was an accident on the M1 which resulted in traffic at a standstill. Then onto the M25... more roadworks then an accident then yet more roadworks.

I thought we were never going to actually get to Bognor Regis but we did mid afternoon. Diet was on good on route. Pan chocolate before leaving. crunchy nut cornflakes when we stopped for breakfast. Chocolate biscuit and packet of crisps whist driving. Red bull (that was necessary) and when we stopped for lunch I had scampi and chips (it was horrible).

When we got here I had an unplanned workout to make up for it. I wish I had been wearing my hr monitor. When I thought 'we are staying in this country, there is no luggage allowance' and packed 2 huge suitcases, really huge, you can't buy bigger, 1 largest you can buy holdall and my aerobic step, no one mentioned that I would have to take them all up a flight of stairs. I also didn't consider that every other time I've had Stephen to help but not this time.

It's quite some distance from the car part to the challet. I couldn't find a trolley so just took one of the cases to start with. Then discovered I had to take it up a flight of stairs. That was difficult enough. Then I found a trolley and went back and got the rest of the stuff. Getting them all up the stairs on my own really was very hard. I wish I knew how much that second suitcase weighed as I know I can now lift quite heavy weights. I supprise myself by doing thing like carrying a full size tv set from one room to another. I probably couldn't do it more than once and complain a lot but I know if need be I can lift and carry very heavy things.

That suitcase. I had all on to lift it and couldn't move it more than a couple of steps at a time. By the time I had everything inside I was knackered and swetting like a pig. It was disgusting. it was seriously as bad as when I work really hard at the gym.

Still, in a way that sort of made me feel good. I knew that a few years ago I wouldn't have been able to do that. I don't know what I would have done if I had found myself in that situation, I probably would have tried and then sat and cried until someone came along and did it for me.

As we were walking round I was quite suprised at the number of really obese people here. It seems butlins attracts them. After getting all the luggage in I got changed and looked in the mirror and thought 'my god I look pregnant' Then I realised that I am one of those people. That was a depressing thought.

With that thought in my head we went to dinner. lots of nice looking food. Roast chicken in some yummy looking sauce, toad in the hole, maccaroni cheese and several other things. I had ham salad. There were loads of different cakes and cheese cakes and profitterolles and things like that for desert but nothing healthy, not so much as a yogurt or piece of fruit so I had none.

I was sat sulking and whining about how nice the cheesecake looks but I can't eat it when Chloe said 'you can have some cheesecake if you win the big race' (she calls the London Marathon the big race) That made me laugh a lot and temorarily cheered me up.

We went to the shop and there wasn't that much I could eat from there either but I was reluctant to buy anything anyway. I've already paid for out meals, I can't not eat the food I've paid for then go buy other food from the shop instead.

tomorrow might be better.

I'm also feeling guilty about paying £35 for internet access. It didn't take long to realise I'm not going to be able to go to Mcdonalds for the free internet. It would take quite a chunk out of each day and mean Chloe would miss loads of stuff and it seems silly when I'm just sat here on my own once she's in bed. So I thought what the hell and paid the £35.

Feet are aching like mad. Not sure what that's about, feels like I've been on my feet all day rather than behind the wheel of a car.

Biggest Loser

I have a new plan.

Chloe is due to leave at the beginning of August. I have 45 days leave (I carried 17 days over from last year) and the Great North Run is on 20th September. All being well, depending on the exact day Chloe leaves I'm hoping to take all my leave in one go taking me to just after the Great North Run and embark on a biggest loser style month and a half.

I intend to take it very seriously, I will be banning TV, limiting Internet time (just enough to check for messages and update my blog) and will be cutting myself off totally from the outside world. No trips anywhere, no nights out, no visiting people, nothing. Just diet and exercise just like in the biggest loser. Every detail will be planned, everything I eat and drink, all the exercise.

I plan to combine working out at the gym, running, walking, swimming and exercise classes.

Should be interesting to see the outcome but anyway, in the meantime I'm still training hard. I'm finding I'm liking the weights more and more, or rather I like the way it makes my muscles feel later. I like that slight ache and I like it when I can feel my muscles. I like the feeling of being stronger.

Diet sometimes goes well and sometimes it doesn't. Tonight I was very tempted to have macaroni with extra cheese (use up all that left from the dinner party) on a jacket potato. But I gave into my conscience and had chicken and vegetable stir fry and am glad I did.

going well

I'm not very good at keeping up with this am I?

Things are going well. The pulled calf muscle turned out to be nothing and didn't happen again.

Today I did something I've never done before - Boxing. When I saw the gloves matt had I thought 'oh no I can't do that' I really didn't want to and thought I would just feel silly and wouldn't be able to do it.

I really enjoyed it. It was fun and yes I can do it. Hard work, which is the whole point but enjoyable. You'd better not annoy me I know how to punch you now.

Spanner in the works.

Yes there is already a spanner in the works. That didn't take long did it.

I've pulled my calf muscle. All this training I've been doing and did I pull the muscle whilst running or at the gym? nooo of course not, I pulled it whilst walking down stairs at home. How the hell did I manage that?

To be honest looking at everything I've done the last few days it is probably too much too quick and I expect that is responsible. It wasn't that bad. In the past when it's happened it's woke me up in the middle of the night and I've been stuffing the duvey in my mouth to stifle the screams. This wasn't like that. I felt it go and it hurt but only mildly.

The problem isn't the seriousness of the injury it is the risk of it keep happening and getting worse. Although not for a long time I have had periods of my life when this has been a problem (particularly when I was pregnant). I asked a doctor why once it happens once it keeps happening. He said it is because the muscle tears and so is suseptical to tear further. Each time it happens you are back to square one until you manage to not do it long enough for it to heal. Circulation is also a factor which is why it tends to happen to me at night.

I text Matt for his advice as obviously I can't run as planned today. He said to go to the gym and just go on the bike but don't do too much. That is what I did and was quite suprised that the bike seemed to actually improve it. it had been getting stiffer all day but it seemed to relax with the bike and feels better than it did.

The real test will be tonight. Will I get through the night without waking up in agony?

I'm quite annoyed that it has got in the way of training.

357 days and counting

So I've been pretty rubbish. Although I did the great north run (with a chest infection) and I am very proud of that, I have gradually put weight back on. I got weighed on Wednesday and was 16 stone 10lb.

Over the past year people have kept telling me how hard it is to get a place in the London marathon so I didn't think I would be able to. I thought I wouldn't get a place and would end up not doing it, so I've not really taken it seriously.

Although not taking it seriously and putting weight on it I was still intending to do it so applied to the National Deaf childrens society at the first opportunity. I knew it would be a while before I heard, they would probably wait a while to give people a chance to apply and I expect the people who have already done the London Marathon would get priority so when I got an email from them on Wednesday I assumed it would be a standard 'we've got your application and will be getting back to you'

I was wrong... IT WAS ONLY TELLING ME I HAVE A PLACE IN THE 2010 LONDON MARATHON!!!! I spent several minutes pacing backwards and forwards across the living room swearing. It was only at this point I realised I hadn't been taking it seriously. All the thoughts going through my head was things like 'what the hell was I thinking? I can't run 26 miles' 'I'm an idiot, I've put 2 stone on' 'what the fuck am I going to do, I can't do it'

I don't think anyone who knows me will be suprised to hear there was a few tears. I didn't have long to dwell on it as I had an appointment with Matt at the gym. I had calmed down a bit by the time I got there but was still in quite a panick. It was quite good timing actually as talking to matt calmed me down and he made it seem not quite so impossible by being practical and mathodical (which is how I like things) and just setting out step by step what we need to do.

Anyway it is now deffinite. I am doing the London Marathon. I can't back out now. The countdown is on. There can be no more excuses and no more messing around. Since getting that email on Wednesday I had a session with Matt at the gym then parked 1km away from the school and part walked part jogged there and then back again with Chloe.

On Thursday I let Chloe ride her bike to school and I ran at the side of her (and helped push the bike up the hills) then part walked part ran (mainly walked) back again. 7 mile round trip up and down very big hills.

Friday I did nothing *shock* I was having a virgin vie party so I was too busy obsessivly cleaning.

Saturday I ran the 5km to the gym, did 20 minutes on the bike then walked the 5km back home.

Today I went out for a 5km run. I didn't actually manage to run all of it but there were some very steep hills. At two points I had to stop running and walk. It took me 48 minutes. Last year the race for life took me 35 minutes but it is a much easier route and I know I did it much faster than I had done training runs.

I'm tired but then I suppose I had better get used to that. I'm probably going to be tired for the next 357 days.

blogging again

Yes, I've finally managed to get back into my blogs.

I will post properly later and this time keep up with it.